Looking for an outlet

 Good day!
It has been some time hasn't it. I let myself go. Alot. I couldnt care much for grammar anymore so pardon me if there's mistakes here and there. I know standards have dropped. But I promise you, I've grown since the time I thought I knew better. I now know I know nothing but am constantly learning...
I saw my last post was around November 2018 so its been like close to 5 years.
I'm nowhere I want to be. I have anxiety and depression somewhat but I'm not here to cry out loud, and all that boo hoo.
I'm still the same old Quest. Just looking for an outlet. Never thought I'll be where I am today. Just to catch you guys up to speed, in 2018 I went to KL for a night party but didn't really got the proper entrance. Yeah I'm awkward as ever but you have to do what you gotta do. There was lots of mistakes but thats how you learn.

I was intro streaming for a bit on twitch. but I abandoned it (till further notice). Dont get me wrong I don't hate it. I just got occupied with my new life in singapore. I look back at it fondly. Didn't feel like I did it justice to be honest. I invested for it to continue on. But the break I took went over what was planned. In contemplating, I thought of going into making youtube to share or at least document what I learnt in this short 30 years or so. But a actual place where I am is alot of planning but no actual first step into it. 

When i came to singapore I wanted to be exposed to the environment here. It is always felt more comfortable being a banana myself. Know that somewhere english can thrive and still not be in a cultural shock all together... it is really comfortable.. and if I'm being truly honest, I fit right in. Too well. All that jaded people putting their life wholy into work. Not where I want to be now that I see it. I'm stuck in my comfort zone. I'm falling, still falling.
P.S>I also talked about expanding my investment horizons to the land of singapore but that did not come to fruition (also). Another thing I failed at. :')

I got into a new relationship after my first. It has been how long ago since? probably also about 5 years. But the magic is fading. I feeling like I omitted some duties as a good boyfriend. I am too afraid to take risks with the relationship as I've always been. Yes, its a rut I'm still struggling with. But I've always known that communication is key in a relationship. I feel like I'm not getting much from her. I dont know but I think maybe I'm not at all in the clear in this as it takes two to tango. I should talk to her. Or at least try to.

One think i want to do, i want to make writing something constant in my life as it should have been. It's my one outlet that I have without my awkwardness and speech impediments. It was always one thing I'm ever good at. English Language. I have linked this blog to my main email so you can trust in the continuity of this.

If you are going through a tough time. Feel free to open up here. We are a safe space here at Sins of a Prodigal. No one is perfect.
Love ya.

Shit happens

So, here I am, sitting in the cool of the night (well, midnight actually) looking at the stars and writing this post.
I've just made it back from my first party. Sadly, with regrets. I decided to step out of my comfort zone by attending this party which my parents would not approve of. I was always the good kid in class, doing what teachers/parents tell me and vice versa. I just knew my parents will never let me go attend a night party. And my introversion just strengthened that belief. Here I was clocked out of work and went home. I just decided to go for it. I took the time to get ready and went. I took my dinner before the event because I knew I'd be drinking. After dinner I went to the place but I forgot to ask the reception to put me on the waiting list and I ignorantly lined up.
There was this girl infront of me and I initiated a conversation. I forgot her name though. She was studying Mass com and working as an editor for CanLaw YouTube videos regarding politics and legal issues. She live in Gombak and she drove to the party to see Talitha Tan despite none of her friends came along. We went in but since I wasn't on the waiting list, I had to wait till the waiting list ends. It was a long wait but I was excited. Just when things were looking up, I received a call that turnt me down low. I lost my mood to party and when I got back to the party, the girl was already vibing while I'm so out of sync. I grab a beer and tried to vibe but I did not notice her bailing and I never got her contact. I wonder if there's any chance to see her again. Haha.
This proved that one call can fuck me up. I'm weak like that. This was a cockblock story and it is a true one.
At the end of the day, should I get mad at the caller? At myself? Or should I have ignored the call and vibe with the people there? This my first party and I still did not get drunk. Fight me.
Hope I grow more balls for a better tomorrow.

Peace out.

Edit: I initially thought to share to people about my passion for yes theory, that was a no go. There were famous people around as well but I sticked to myself after that call. All my lessons on women were not practiced.. Wth did I do tonight...

The calm before the storm

This is probably an overused title for blogposts or maybe it's just me. Haha. Now I'm getting that feeling. That something great is about to happen soon. Just a week ago I felt like shit and the most boring person in Malaysia as I didn't have things to do. When I start appreciating things around me, I noticed that, I do have things happening in my life, and I can create things too if there are none. So I went and put myself in bind to go with a hi-bye friend to check out a local event. And also organize a soon to materialized road trip. I don't know how or when yet but I just know, it's coming.
Besides that I do have my job as a comforter to my depressed friends. Depressions should never be taken lightly. I learnt that the hard way and I never took them lightly anymore. I'm doing all I can to rid depression - sometimes i wonder if I'm doing it right or does it even need to be gotten rid of???
There are so many things I have yet to know, but it is not up to me to decide. I'm just a supporter. I give as much as I can, that's what I do. Not much of the prodigal I'd say. Life didn't turn out the way I thought it would when I started this blog with this name. But it's a journey, my journey.

P. S. If you feel u have nothing to do, go on an adventure, explore areas in your country. You never know what new experience awaits.

xPeace

Thank you.

I've noticed something about myself...
I got so used to doing favors for others and helping others, going the extra mile, I start to think people owe me something in return. And when I don't get what I want, I get upset, I complain, I let it simmer in my heart unhealthily.
Infact, I've become so used to it that I forgot how to say thank you when someone give me something or helped me. You may think saying it is easy (which is probably true to many) but being a man of my word, I cannot make myself say what I do not mean. And it makes me uncomfortable when others do help me. Instead of accepting the good deeds done to me and saying thank you, I look for ways to 'payback' or return the favor with something of equal value or more. This is not what I see myself as. I want to be someone who gives and receives freely. But right now, this is not the case.

On a side note, I've been looking at ways to judge a job's value by its benefits. I realize that the amount of annual leave and public holidays has a value for giving you a day off without affecting yr pay. But is it sufficient for you? What is the company policy about overtime? These are the things I have been considering lately despite not having finish updating my resume.

Road trip coming up soon!

Project 30

So today what inspired me was how it all started for our boys at yes theory. They were college kids who went to college in Canada. From different parts of the world. It's a wonder how they just sticked together through the years to become something so big. They r here to prove that good people still exists and that saying yes will bring you good things. When you decide what you want to be, then the universe gets out of your way. The decision is an integral part of our life. First decide where you wanna be, what you wanna wake up to, what will keep you awake at night, and what will get you jumping out of your bed. We all know it too well in our subconscious mind but very rarely do we partake in reality.
So there was mention of this project 30 that they started in college. The list down 30 crazy challenges that they never have done and did that in 30 days. From bungee jumping to acts of kindness like giving strangers roses. It was all outside of the comfort zone. And thus, their motto: seek discomfort. Deep shit right there.
Find like minded people who will do these things with you. We don't always click with everyone we meet but you will know when u meet someone who just fucking share your passion to push the limits. Right now I might be sitting in a office writing my thoughts, sharing my passion.
Who know tomorrow where, I'll be? That's the life I want to live. That's what I call truly living, the sins of the prodigal.

-peace

Hope.

After my last post, I have met up with an old friend of mine. We talked lots but I gathered a few notable lessons from the session.
Despite being elder than me, my friend has the will to be constantly learning from the best. To be good at something, humble ourself and ask questions. Be a fool once, don't be a fool for life.
Appreciation for family. In my day and age, I tend to find myself overly prioritizing friends and relationships. My senior friend has a regret that parents wishes could not be fulfilled with current remunerations. The dream was to bring parents on overseas trip. And the tables were turned making me ashamed at my choices.
I also watch YouTube recently tuning in to Jimmy Zhang and Yes Theory. They really inspire me to do and say what is in my heart. To open up to endless possibilities and to believe in them.
I began to think that the problems I faced in life are not meant to stop me but to make me stronger.
It is one thing to know that as a fact, but another thing to live it out and experience it. Setbacks are not a dead end but a detour, make it a part of your journey.
Lastly, I'd like to add, do not fear your boss because he/she is also human (prone to error, emotional, etc). Time to wake up, go out and live your dreams.

-peace-

After a long Hiatus

So guys I decided to come back to blogging after failing much in life. If there is one thing I like, it would be to write shit. I've been through much since I last wrote and when I read my last post it all seemed to petty. So yeah. You live and you learn. I've definitely been humbled by providence in life.
I plan to keep things short.
Thoughts for the day: everyone makes mistakes, but who will confess/admit them and make necessary changes? Something work related where I felt pressured but as far as I know, the way I work is totally different from theirs. So I think little of their judgments. But the judgment being coming from a superior, it does affect me somewhat.
Next up, I was on tinder (looking for love) and I match this girl who described herself as a 'sapiosexual'. I know what is sex but with is sapiosexual? As she advised in her bio, I googled that shit up and learn some new tricks to deal with sapiosexuals;
1) be a fucking Grammar Nazi or die trying
2) Be a tale-bearer
3) be the thinker like the statue
4) Ask relevant questions to show interest and to show you are not stupid
5) Plan fucking unique dates.

P.s. Blame Jimmy Zhang for my vulgarity spike. Bugger puts dope on utube.

xPeace

"Today is the worst day???"

To start off, I'm gonna narrate to you the reasons I could be sulking and ranting on. Today is a Saturday. We planned to go watch Michael Bay's Transformers 4 which was at that time new. I had no money in my wallet and what money I have, doesn't belong to me. Next, there were some technical problems when picking up the attendees. After getting the tix, we went to lunch at Ori Spice. My food came last. We then went to withdraw money but apparently, my bank account was at a lost too. I withdrew minimum anyways to go through the day. We then head back to the cinema, grab some popcorn and head to the movie hall. Half way through the movie, I realized that my phone strap was broken. Sadly, the movie had its' high and lows and many of us confess we took involuntary snoozes during the lows. In the background, an event in Heroes of Newerth (HON) for its' 3rd anniversary was ongoing from 3pm- 7pm. The movie started 3.30pm. I knew about the timing clash but I thought that I could make it. I forgot that I could told my friend earlier so he could help me with the event and I could worry for less. I decided for them that we head home hoping that I can catch up with the said event but our transport had more technical (or chronicled) problems. Apparently some other movie goers called for the same earlier and we had to wait for the following round. By then I realized that I will not make it and tried to find friends who could help but then realize i should have done that before three. Obviously none was able to help given the limited time. We separated as some when for dinner while I headed for home, kinda frustrated. I quickly launched HON but to no avail. Grinded a few games but end up losing both the MMR and KDR. I guess you can't play on a bad mood. Its' just that bad.
Well, it's not my point to rant about the above but I just want to let you know what had happened today through my pessimistic eyes. I felt really regretful for going for the movie knowing it is a saturday plus the amazingly rewarding event that I missed. Why I choose not to rant about these things? 1. I thought to myself, "Why did this happen to me in the first place?" 2. I thought what would others feel if I rant? 3.What is the future of me ranting?
The first question is personal and every individual would have their own version of answers. I will not share mine for the sake of your views and opinions. What I can tell you is that everything happens for a reason and it was a mistake of mine that needed this punishment. So what I was looking for when I asked myself this question was where did I go wrong to deserve this judgment. Well, the list is really long!
The second question shows that I care how others would feel. Basically, a man-pleaser. I don't care what others think of me but I care about how they feel. I don't want others to be affected/ to respond negatively to my times of lowness. Therefore I keep my mouth shut. It doesn't mean that I am indifferent towards everything I love but I just care about humans more than I care about my career/ my joy. And its' true that I hurt because I am an emotional soul.
Then, I went on to think what good would it bring me if I were to rant? Let's see, we can't change the past. We certainly can't predict the future. I can't guarantee me a win in HON even if I participate but I might lose some friends. Lose people I care about. Not everyone I spend time with are people I care about though. I find some people obnoxious. I once told a friend that I can love any girl because they have boobs. But boy, was I wrong. We grow up, we learn more truth.
I guess this is my diary and that is his. Well, I hope I don't forget to write anything else that I wanted to. That would be a real bummer.

Interest Rekindled (Hopefully for good this time)

To be honest, I've never hated blogging. I just felt there was more important things to do. You know, the so called "busy" life of a bachelor. Games. Movies. Series. Sleeeeeeeeep.
-_______-
Now that I've begin to ditch the gaming scene and the busy part of my university life was over, I came back here. Surprise! Well, I did not prodigalize here on a whim though. There was one motivation on facebook on why the writer thinks I should blog. The link is provided below (if you're ever interested to read it).
Anyways, I've always been forgetful. My alternative name was named after "forgeting the (bitter) past". And all I do is forget the past. Well, most of it. I have this friend who I call to have 500 terrabytes (TB) or memory brain power. He remembers points in time where I totally forgot like something a girl said a year ago to then time when he was still dependent on his mother's mammary capabilities. He seems to have the whole space-time continuum down. He is able to work on games for a long period of time, getting better the more time he spent on it even if he stopped playing for years. Hell, if I start playing Mario now, I'll virtually jump right off a cliff. I realized that I've been spending quite some time on trying to bring out something quite simple actually. All I wanted to say in this paragraph is that I won't be writing something happen far in the past because of the simple reason of my messed but space-time continuum, in terms of my unreasonably short memory (which is also another reason for me to blog).
Watching certain movies and many serials made me to realize that people are often compensating for something they lack. Somethings just can't be changed given the circumstances they're in. And I start to wonder, I'm definitely having some lacking in my life. Maybe you can say that I have a number of lackings, quite serious ones at that but what am I doing to actually compensate for them? One troubling lacking that I have is a physical one that I am constantly conscious of. Am I tall because of that? Do I have average stats because of that? Suddenly I thought of one thing that made me think that it was my compensation. Ma eyes! Dayum in my community, it's unique to have eye colours other than black. My eyes turn out to be a little more brown than the status quo. I admit, it has granted me a good amount of recognition. I'm proud of it, but sometimes, I wish that I am all normal. Yes, I'd give away my eye colour to get everything back to normal - at least physically. Then I start to wonder what are my beard compensating for? hmmm... I wonder.
well, today I slept in a little longer than I should have. It was not without reason. I was having this dream every cherry bachelor in his 20s would fancy. There was this girl. She wasn't a perfect girl (I'm not perfect myself) but I was attracted to her. There were subtle infirmities in her eyes but I love them all the same. She's a girl who I'd pass on in my full consciousness but I find myself sub-consciously flirting with her. We were like the "Romeo & Juliet" of my dream. Forbidden but strong love existed. Wierd things happens in dreams. She was using a Colgate branded lipstick and my lips turn sticky after a smooch. I jokingly said that it was her only flaw and if she fixed that, I'll go on a forth date with her. She smiled and then I woke up. It is dreams like this that keep me in bed a little while longer. Yet a little sleep, yet a little slumber. Tossing and turning, all in effort to continue the dream but alas, a dream remains one....until I make it come true. But a dream will never come true unless I wake up and get things done. So here I am to record my motivation this day, so the future me can come back and get re-motivated by the past me.
I read a post of a pick up artist saying that pick up artistry makes you the loneliest because you make yourself immune to the feelings that naturally come to you when with someone you really like. Don't judge a book by it's cover. It is highly likely that the opposite of what you judge is true.

Check out this short article(s):

15 Reasons I Think You Should Blog
http://www.becomingminimalist.com/15-reasons-i-think-you-should-blog/

The Science of Seduction: What I learned from the summer I spent as a pick up artist
http://elitedaily.com/dating/the-science-of-seduction-my-summer-as-a-pick-up-artist/

Why do I even care?

The evening before, I went out with a friend to a casual match. It was all messed up. I invited him to go, made him interested and all. Then, I realised that I can't go but somehow, I went. Probably because I treat the guy as my best friend (at this point in my life but oh, how it hurts to know that it'll probably never be mutual).So yeah, we went saw some nice plays but often he was distracted by girls in different places. Boys... So I tried my best to be a bud, encouraging him to go for it and stuff (though in a jeery way) but he just use this one sentence to shut me off, "you know me". We stayed awhile because I was hoping something would happen but eventually, freaks as we are, we try to leave the place. As we were about to leave, we gave this girl which he was particularly interested in one last look. And he saw an acquaintance of mine finish his game and was about to leave the place so he told me and we stay just to have an exchange of greetings and left the place soon enough. We cycled through the rain as we came and I told him I was disappointed that we went back empty handed. He then said it again, "you know me". I replied that I was hoping for him to change and he just said that it ain't easy. Man, that was an open goal! Tell me one thing in this world that's easy... but I didn't say that out because of the respect I had for him. I treat him better than my brother (even my mom said so).
He kept on hitting around the bush, never ever came straight to the point, which became quite a nuisance. I remembered he told me to tell him truths, and so I did. He was offended much but I hit the point home hard putting my hopes in him. he then adorned the pendulum mentality. ==... "I can change..." he said when I said he spoke too much. Well, that escalated quickly.
So going through my thoughts, I realized I've been with this personality before ( one of my uncle ) and they're so much alike except the fact that one looks like Lee Chong Wei. But I was never annoyed to the point of acting to change him despite living with him some two years or more. And this guy, I've been with him slightly less than two years and I'm all flustered up as though (I'm straight, I love girls, no homo) I 'love' him..? Why is this so? He ain't that good looking. He ain't rich. He ain't much dependable but quite a lot the other way around.. So why am I reacting to him in this way? And I must stress again::: I'M NOT GAY!!

End of the World?

Haha.. Been a long time since I posted anything. Guess I'm just too free nowadays exams being over and all alone in my habitation. Well, recently there was an overrated hype on the net saying that the world was supposed to end on 21st December 2012... which was actually 2 days ago.. some argued that there was time disparity due to different time zones but meh...

I knew for one that the world would not end especially when it was speculated like that. The time when the world is to end is when we least expect it to.. I kinda took my share of comfort from these people making those untimely speculations. But somehow, as time pass and it got nearer and nearer to 21st, it started to be annoying. And the aftermath is just as annoying.. People are saying "I didn't die" or "The world didn't end".. There are actually some who said it was a Mayan's troll or even more higher beings. It was actually their own ignorance. -.-

Well days passed and now I'm all alone (as I mentioned above) and I'm starting to feel that if the world were to end, I would be feeling really miserable right now. I don't have anyone. Loneliness is a beast! All these are my sufferings which I can attribute to two of the greatest curses in my life; my pectus excavatum, and my lying spirit. I just can't stop myself from the latter, it comes so naturally for self-protection. Defense mechanisms are very reactive especially when I want to hide my ugliness. I just can't face myself in the open.

People may say that everyone lies.. or there are white lies.. But I desire better things of myself. I wanted to tell the truth and only truth was to proceed out of my lips. I did try to will myself to this goal but to no avail. =(
I can explain my own undoing but I can't think of a way to actually solve my problems. The will of man is under bondage: what good a man want to do, that he cannot; but what evil deeds he tries to avert will eventually be done, against his will. This is a truth since our forefathers fell.

The creeping loneliness and ultikuma boredom just drove me to think of the latter of these 2 curses of my life.

KISS

If it weren't for a dear friend, I wouldn't have took the trouble to go further down.. It was more easier if I had take the route home. Upon hind sight, the latter would have been better even. The outcome happen to be that I didn't even accomplish the main mission I came for and lost more than I asked for.. I start to wonder what is happening.. Maybe I should not keep an alternative motive whenever I am taking up the cross. It just wouldn't work out that way (especially when I'm on the strait gate narrow way...)

Things I miss the most right now...
plaster notebook pen watch snickers cooler mouse usb clothes tie tiletries opticals notes shoes books shavers keys charger nds bag

Untitled.

A whole load of new things just bombarded my life. An retracting person, a volatile scatter brain, a genius, friends with issues and ultimately: assignments, of which I can't see the end even at the horizon! At least it gave something to write about (if not to think).
Let's take a number and each will have a piece. A genius; this is the time of my life, being able to meet one in person. Many labeled themselves genius (including me at points where I was most stupido) or are labeled by others (in personal perceptions, mostly in relation to one's self) and don't produce the minimum requirements. But for the first time in my life, I saw a real-life genius. Of course, I'd be jealous here and there but respect and admiration filled my heart. (no homo.) At the same time, I was made to see the wide gap in between us; how I'd never think of ever reaching the same plateau. Oh how it divides, the wisdom which proliferates. How many of you would reject a dinner with the genius? Imaginations are running wild, from fantasies to obliqueness.
Next, the scat. A person who is consistently sensitive, especially emotionally - rampaging at times, do you know that lion eats grass sometime ago? Persistantly hypoc but also persistantly tries. I must sound like I'm describing 'Inflation'. LoL. Just too volatile to decipher. There are times I would give up without a fight but then, WWJD? Yeah right! as if. but recently I just let it go. It's just exorbitant.
Retractor. He sounds like a marvel supervillian. Or an Expendable. Well, the thing is, he is literal monyet buruk siku. He once tried hard to be someone who cares. Someone who is actually a part of the team. But when sun rose, he withered away. He just not him anymore. Or to be more precise, he returned to the real him. He was like that. and he liked it before. he probably likes it now. Hair porblem? Or attitude problem? Or both? Always living on others positive externalities (I am an economics student anyways). Try to put the resources you have to good use for once. LoL. You'll never guess who I am talking about.
Generally all of us has issues. I can't even deal with mine, what right do I have to speak about other's. That what you may think. But if that's the way the world was, it never would have progressed. Not one bit. Well, all of us has weaknesses (even the genius, I would know ;]) but if we were to remain silent, that in itself is our problem. I am not sure what I speak of - try to contribute some of your brain juices by commenting here. Definitely would appreciate it! =D

Love? Another Chapter...

What do you do when your first love rejects you?

You move on? You get back at him/her?

Well, I guess a true answer would be you still love her.
If it ever was purely true love, you'll never get over it. It ain't something you can just erase from the rest of your life. She/He will forever remain a fact in your story, a colour in your bigger picture of Life.

Me? I am yet to find mine.

I've seen some who charge at their romantic desires and dreams like the bull against the red cloth matadors wave. Eventually, people get hurt. Relations crack. Crumpled papers which cannot be restored. A very sad sight to behold indeed.

Then again, there are those who play a very tactical game. They may succeed here and there but once they meet their first love, all the strategies come to naught. They themselves melt in the love's presence. Nonetheless, they hurt on an equal scale as the chargers. There still male homosapiens.




But why did I start this post with a question? Why did I answer it myself? This is because recently (a few minutes ago) I realized something is constantly changing so that things will stay the same. Truly a paradox in motion. I began to ask myself why. If I asked the host, I know I'll never get a true answer. Neither will I if I kept it to myself. Finally, I came up with this theory instead. Theories might not always be true as it requires many experimentation but still deserve a place in my gallery.

Watch how the lack of love wrecks up ones life when the urge of unconditional love overflowing on the inside. Watch people's biased manipulation of the portions of attention they give. Watch the love of one who lost everything when he/she found the one most important.

Well, I can never give the full truth to this multifaceted topic. Thus, the title. Just another chapter to add to my book of mortal affections and emotions. =) .pEace.

PS. The former was written as a tribute to you, Mr. LS ;-)

a nice comic on the flo recently

A New Life

Yo! It's been awhile since I last penned my thoughts. Many things happened but none made me intrigued enough to come here. Well, one poignant moment I went through since last exam period was the break that came after it. It was the first time I tried using the Express Rakyat coach to return to me home. Seems a simple enough task for university undergrads, no? But guess what, I failed. In the end, t'was my parents who came to fetch me when I was lost somewhere in Klang. Oh yeah, and I found out my previous house there, was sold. I guess I made my parents quite mad and they send me back to Kampar all the way after the Sabbath.

Then began the part 2 of my quest. I made my way out once again to take a 4am train just to join my friends in KL on their one day trip to Genting Highlands. Crazy huh? I went without my parents' consent. Opps.. I was still a minor then. But well, I came back in one piece! =E I wouldn't be writing this otherwise...

Nothing interesting there though. The rides I thought was scary turn out to be a party crasher. No Fun. I guess I had my expectations too high. Maybe I was thinking like, "If I get to Genting, I'll be like out of Malaysia! =D" Truly Asia. Well, I had a good walk though, walking round and round, up and down. Hmm, try guessing my favourite ride; I'm thinking you'll not get it right at first try. haha. It's that wierd a ride..

Back to Kampar right after the trip and face a little of the music. (gotta give credit to my brother; he turned out to be a matured guy, helping me tone down the music when I needed it most. LOL) Then was the missing era. People don't wanna end their breaks and return to reality. I had my though times too. Not a sharing material. haha. Then it went on to like "new sem, new style" kinda mood. People barely leaving their comfort zones coming back with bolder fashion statements to give a new feel to Uni life. Me? I didn't change one bit. =P

I had some time reminiscing about life and how it has treated me. How I was born to be a PE. Seeing how much it affected others made me cringe in their craven fear. When I came to it, I realized that I wasn't affected as bad as them. Now, I realized that I don't even care. Except for in my courting quests, which I am currently disengaged from, I have no worries about it at all. =)

Had some fun with Chai Ling birthday. But I don't think it has ended at all. The fun continues. As long as I'm in the zone, I'll not let the crimson phoenix die down.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, my solo venture to Cameron! I wouldn't call it solo anymore because I realized that I wouldn't be able to make it alone. People knew I went there although I kept my peace.. o.0 wierd. Well, there was the girl who (I didn't get her name) helped me out from New Town to Kampar. From then on, t'was smooth sailing le me in Godspeed. =) Bro send me back, didn't realize I dropped my wallet from the horror of not getting your calls answer no matter how long you wait. Fell asleep calling. too.... tired...

Well, I've been having my share of fun here and there. A little busy with my path I chose for uni but nothing pass bearable. Made friends, lost a few. All in all, what I can say is that I'm still living my life. I've told people that nothing will remain unchanged but everything is still the same. A paradox for the beholder.

Another Food for Thought

Well, it's the infamous examination period which we are going through right now. Just days away from freedom yet the torture is almost unbearable, given the amount of dels bore by our fragile units today. Yet within life, there are endless possibilities and what I know is that I am ever learning. From my surroundings, from my friends, from those people who revolve around my life and not to forget, my own selfish self. (haha)
Today was a normal day without papers for me because my papers are mostly crammed towards the end of this grueling period. I dowanna make this post like a simple diary entry or log of what I did, so, I'll not be spilling the details but the main point only. So, what I learnt today was that those having the highest potential to abuse and take you for granted are actually those around you. To be precise, those who are closest to you. Those people constantly grow closer and till a stage where there is no more that much care for each other like before. They start treating you like you're all fine and and they are the only ones in the relationship that needs help. Well, the truth is, most of us have our own problems. Though diverse, it's still there. You just don't see it so well anymore because we lose our sensitivity as time passes.
So, there's that, and on the other hand, I also didn't lose sight of myself and how I am reacting to this. What are my inner struggles and depth of despair? Why is it so hard to help out someone else? Is it because I am the only one who successfully alienated myself from negative influence although the other let his mouth rumble on without proper actions? Why must there always be a reward for helping someone? All these things troubled my heart much as the world filled with so much of the 21st century affluence and their hypocrisy run rampant. I can prove people wrong time and times again but they're just so stubborn and rebellious. Till it affected me and made me blunt and useless.
I see the lamentations of the Earth. I feel them. So much deceit. So much unruly wrath. So much beastly covetousness. Such utter slothfulness. The ugly pride rearing it head in public. The silent lusts from the dark rooms with locked doors. Those catholical envy from hearts abyss. The gluttony from ones own mouth.

Oh that one would meet salvation in these last of the last days!

Will, what do you really know about it?

I’ve watched this video just awhile ago, which was depicting the life story of Joe, working as a multi-tasking waiter at a Chinese restaurant near my place. I’ll paste the link to it below. This video shows how he went through a lot of hardship in life for his family’s wellbeing.
Joe has been serving foods and drinks we all wanted and needed. Now he is sharing a valuable lesson in life which can only be seen through the eyes of the less fortunate. He is doing amazing things (which many others create excuses to buffer their pride) despite what have befallen him. No doubt that even I have fallen victim of this dreadful issue of laziness.

To find out more about his story, please do support this short movie by viewing it as many times as you like. The internet and computer is a huge enmity to me. I neglect studies because of games or serials which I lust after. The computer was initially purchased with the purpose of helping me in Uni life as people claim it is needful to have one. Deep down, I know I’ll be doing games or time consuming stuff with my computer and that was why I went pushing the bogus cause of the computer helping in studies.

In some points, I am like him but in the rest of the majorities, I have given in to the pressure of the air. I am a balderdash of the century.

I have abused my computer and now it’s showing its backlash. Its battery is drained faster than any cell phone. That is not the only thing drained. It drained my life, my time for more important things. My chatting with a friend has shown me how I deluded the addictiveness of these temptations to something I needed. In fact, my friend was down to earth and had a clearer view than me. I’ll thank her much for the enlightenment.

Well, exams are coming soon. Neglecting studies would be a death note for me. Hope everyone has their studying mood returned soon. Godspeed!


The video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Rh0bodo2h0

What Moon Talking Means To Me...

"I know you are somewhere out there, somewhere far away" is the first line of Bruno's epic song. He sings of someone he once knew, longing for her while he is conscious. He thought probably the moon would be the same one as the one she is looking at. Truly a romantic scene to be in. =)

Sadly, I'm not in such a state. In fact, I just lost everything I've ever built in the past two semesters. All the social shit I've dreamt of fulfilling my uni life crumbled. I'm just not someone who can own a huge web like my idols. haha. That was a nice (stupid) dream I had, still it remained as a dream. Many try to read my blog to understand me. "My neighbors think I'm crazy, they don't understand". But then again, it's better you don't understand, yea? you already have enough problems on your own. Everyone has.

Yes, back to the topic. I'm alone. and that's why i talk to the moon. In ever hoping that a girl is out there, on the other side. All the others who were in my so-called 'bromance' life are out dating girls, making their respective pre-emptive strikes. And what am I doing? typing out this blog. You know what, I am afraid. afraid of the image of FA,

the crying potato. What are people's response to his cry? They laugh at him.. For me, I kinda feel pity for the guy but now, even more as the image of me in his shoes was ever more clear.

It's almost past one year now and I'm still at the crossroad of moving on to the next board and falling back to square one. Stuck between an epic fail social life and failure in academic achievements. They are somewhat related. Social life is dealing with your feelings. Gives you a feeling of satisfaction deep inside. Make you feel you're needed, you belong to someone. These feelings cannot be thrown away even as we strive for academic excellence.

Well, I got too much caught up trying to balance up my social life and now my studies are suffering. And my recent mistake due to my own self-consciousness destroyed every social thread I've ever spun. I should have be myself all the time instead of trying to be someone I am not

Maybe it's time..

I've been thinking about life lately and about 20 years of life (or death) just flashed pass my mind in a moment. It all made me wanting to post this here even though I'm really in a busy mess of sorts. Well, I guess I'll share one incident that just crossed my mind a few minutes ago:
When I was a little boy, my dad never gave me anything I wanted. I think this has it consequences on me; I covet for money $o$ . Anyways, he does give me stuff once in a while but never things I wanted. One day, he gave a really nice wristwatch. And what I did with is was I sold it to my brothers classmate for RM1. I was a child, naive in all it's senses it will ever have. Since then, I've never been able to keep a watch till old age. sigh.

I've losing things, a lot of them. Things I didn't think would matter until when I need it but I don't have it. My RM1.8K phone was picked-pocketed the day I bought it. Yeah, *true story*

I can't tell what this means to me or to you but please don't get me wrong; I am not emo-ing or blaming someone because it all happened. I ain't shooting no one down (at least not here, not now). Maybe I want you people to know that the world isn't a fairy-tail land with rainbows, pony or fairies. It's fierce out there. battles taking place in dimensions never known to man kind just decades ago.　Ｓｏ，　ｔａｋｅ　ｃａｒｅ　（ＴＣ）
Or maybe it carries another alternative interpretation(?). Well, I will leave that to your imaginations and ability to conjure up morale boosting lessons in your mind.

When I say the world is not a good place, I'm ain't excluding myself at all. Many people are out-lookers, searching for so -called 'negative externalities' in their surrounding environment, in individuals revolving around them but who ever does soul-searching nowadays? For me, I felt that maybe it was time for me to calm down in this fret-filled life and think about things that do matter.
I've ｂｅｅｎ　a real bad guy and turning worse recently. I am a habitual thieve and consequently a damn liar as well ( to cover up my thievery). I hated, I judged people, I did many things to hurt them. And recently, I even turned about to bite those who are around me. I know I was wrong but the apostasy in me is a raging flood. I just can't stop myself from doing bad. It's a part of me now.

Thanks to that, my current life portraits a sloppy lazy poor guy who is overly conscious about his image in the world while judging other without even knowing what they've been through (I'm sorry). And I thought to myself, I am not gonna be this guy anymore. I want a change. I wanna be normal again. So, I determined in myself that from this moment onward. I'll be different.

There are many factors that affect changes but that's not what I wanted to share. Hope you get my message and repond commensurately. =D Till next time.

live a Life of learning

On Friday 17th Feb 2012, I went to campus on my own as I have morning class. I was quite upset that day because I was unable to surprise a friend as many have rejected her offers recently. She made a trip to McDonalds in the wee hours of the morning, and I really wanted to go (although I didn't really told anyone). Well, I started finding something to blame on and I guess I picked the wrong thing. The whole thing backfired and I lost a lot of time. To tell the truth, till now I'm having trouble recovering from that.

Something happened that day. As I arrived at my classroom, it was still filled with the previous class and I had to wait for them to go out. When I was supposed to enter the class, I forgot that I had my keys in my hand and left it on the bench outside the classroom. After that class, I met some friends who were having class in the same room but they soon left for their class was starting. I went to my bike and realise the keys wasn't where it supposed to be. So, I think what should I do? I went back to search the place and ask the ICT office nearby but to none avail. I then saw the cleaning mak cik and ask her if she cleaned upstairs. She immediately mention of the keys that a student took it and told her to leave it with him as he will deal with it. She pointed to me the class the student was in. I went there and look inside. I was a computer lab with many diferrent students. First of all I was a business student and secondly I can't speak chinese fluently. I waited for the class to end and asked a few who were exiting but no one noticed my keys. Some didn't came out so I overcame my fears and went in to ask the students one by one in chinese. Finally I found my keys but he told me that it was the auntie who asked him to keep it.

I realize people are always in the blame game and always finding escapes with excuses but the one thing lost and now found is all that matters to me. I don't blame anyone of them but myself. I was struck and felt a sense of guilt mixed with gladness that I found my keys.

Later on, I went on my own for the day and bumped into several friends and went with them though I still can't sync with them. (they walk much too slowly) The other group arrive later on at the venue of next class and most of them weren't interested in interacting with me. I don't blame them, I just bear with it for now. Last class came soon and the group I was travelling with signed and left but I stayed infront. I left after the class was done and arrived home to see nobody's home.

I fell asleep in the noon and missed the dinner I agreed to go to. When I look outside, it's the same. This means Xavier came back and didn't do much. His room was dark. I eventually went to sleep as well.

Saturday 18th, having replacement class in the morning - got up early and went out of room but Xavier was not ready and I waited for him till 7.50+ although class was at 8am. We went to campus together and talked bit but as I said, yet to fully recover. Japanese class was a pain but I felt I was really wasting my time. I saw Suzane Erica but soon, she was 'covered' with guys. There's this girl in Japanese class I find kinda interesting and I wanna know her but I was wasting time and wasted my chance as I walked out the hall without saying hi. geeshhh... And to think next monday I can't attend Jap class...Sayang2...==

well the other classes (QT2) were really boring although Miss Tan tried her best to make it interesting. We ditched the first lecture and had sometime for bonding but not so effective as yet I guess. Second half was mostly dominated by the other eNd. So, rested awhile, woke up to realise got ditch for jogging session with the eNd, ate with eNd and problematic cycle back because of the eNd was near.

I felt Xavier was once again falling for the girl he once fell for but swang the other side when distance became a matter. I am going to confront him now...