End of the World?

Haha.. Been a long time since I posted anything. Guess I'm just too free nowadays exams being over and all alone in my habitation. Well, recently there was an overrated hype on the net saying that the world was supposed to end on 21st December 2012... which was actually 2 days ago.. some argued that there was time disparity due to different time zones but meh...

I knew for one that the world would not end especially when it was speculated like that. The time when the world is to end is when we least expect it to.. I kinda took my share of comfort from these people making those untimely speculations. But somehow, as time pass and it got nearer and nearer to 21st, it started to be annoying. And the aftermath is just as annoying.. People are saying "I didn't die" or "The world didn't end".. There are actually some who said it was a Mayan's troll or even more higher beings. It was actually their own ignorance. -.-

Well days passed and now I'm all alone (as I mentioned above) and I'm starting to feel that if the world were to end, I would be feeling really miserable right now. I don't have anyone. Loneliness is a beast! All these are my sufferings which I can attribute to two of the greatest curses in my life; my pectus excavatum, and my lying spirit. I just can't stop myself from the latter, it comes so naturally for self-protection. Defense mechanisms are very reactive especially when I want to hide my ugliness. I just can't face myself in the open.

People may say that everyone lies.. or there are white lies.. But I desire better things of myself. I wanted to tell the truth and only truth was to proceed out of my lips. I did try to will myself to this goal but to no avail. =(
I can explain my own undoing but I can't think of a way to actually solve my problems. The will of man is under bondage: what good a man want to do, that he cannot; but what evil deeds he tries to avert will eventually be done, against his will. This is a truth since our forefathers fell.

The creeping loneliness and ultikuma boredom just drove me to think of the latter of these 2 curses of my life.

KISS

If it weren't for a dear friend, I wouldn't have took the trouble to go further down.. It was more easier if I had take the route home. Upon hind sight, the latter would have been better even. The outcome happen to be that I didn't even accomplish the main mission I came for and lost more than I asked for.. I start to wonder what is happening.. Maybe I should not keep an alternative motive whenever I am taking up the cross. It just wouldn't work out that way (especially when I'm on the strait gate narrow way...)

Things I miss the most right now...
plaster notebook pen watch snickers cooler mouse usb clothes tie tiletries opticals notes shoes books shavers keys charger nds bag

Untitled.

A whole load of new things just bombarded my life. An retracting person, a volatile scatter brain, a genius, friends with issues and ultimately: assignments, of which I can't see the end even at the horizon! At least it gave something to write about (if not to think).
Let's take a number and each will have a piece. A genius; this is the time of my life, being able to meet one in person. Many labeled themselves genius (including me at points where I was most stupido) or are labeled by others (in personal perceptions, mostly in relation to one's self) and don't produce the minimum requirements. But for the first time in my life, I saw a real-life genius. Of course, I'd be jealous here and there but respect and admiration filled my heart. (no homo.) At the same time, I was made to see the wide gap in between us; how I'd never think of ever reaching the same plateau. Oh how it divides, the wisdom which proliferates. How many of you would reject a dinner with the genius? Imaginations are running wild, from fantasies to obliqueness.
Next, the scat. A person who is consistently sensitive, especially emotionally - rampaging at times, do you know that lion eats grass sometime ago? Persistantly hypoc but also persistantly tries. I must sound like I'm describing 'Inflation'. LoL. Just too volatile to decipher. There are times I would give up without a fight but then, WWJD? Yeah right! as if. but recently I just let it go. It's just exorbitant.
Retractor. He sounds like a marvel supervillian. Or an Expendable. Well, the thing is, he is literal monyet buruk siku. He once tried hard to be someone who cares. Someone who is actually a part of the team. But when sun rose, he withered away. He just not him anymore. Or to be more precise, he returned to the real him. He was like that. and he liked it before. he probably likes it now. Hair porblem? Or attitude problem? Or both? Always living on others positive externalities (I am an economics student anyways). Try to put the resources you have to good use for once. LoL. You'll never guess who I am talking about.
Generally all of us has issues. I can't even deal with mine, what right do I have to speak about other's. That what you may think. But if that's the way the world was, it never would have progressed. Not one bit. Well, all of us has weaknesses (even the genius, I would know ;]) but if we were to remain silent, that in itself is our problem. I am not sure what I speak of - try to contribute some of your brain juices by commenting here. Definitely would appreciate it! =D

Love? Another Chapter...

What do you do when your first love rejects you?

You move on? You get back at him/her?

Well, I guess a true answer would be you still love her.
If it ever was purely true love, you'll never get over it. It ain't something you can just erase from the rest of your life. She/He will forever remain a fact in your story, a colour in your bigger picture of Life.

Me? I am yet to find mine.

I've seen some who charge at their romantic desires and dreams like the bull against the red cloth matadors wave. Eventually, people get hurt. Relations crack. Crumpled papers which cannot be restored. A very sad sight to behold indeed.

Then again, there are those who play a very tactical game. They may succeed here and there but once they meet their first love, all the strategies come to naught. They themselves melt in the love's presence. Nonetheless, they hurt on an equal scale as the chargers. There still male homosapiens.




But why did I start this post with a question? Why did I answer it myself? This is because recently (a few minutes ago) I realized something is constantly changing so that things will stay the same. Truly a paradox in motion. I began to ask myself why. If I asked the host, I know I'll never get a true answer. Neither will I if I kept it to myself. Finally, I came up with this theory instead. Theories might not always be true as it requires many experimentation but still deserve a place in my gallery.

Watch how the lack of love wrecks up ones life when the urge of unconditional love overflowing on the inside. Watch people's biased manipulation of the portions of attention they give. Watch the love of one who lost everything when he/she found the one most important.

Well, I can never give the full truth to this multifaceted topic. Thus, the title. Just another chapter to add to my book of mortal affections and emotions. =) .pEace.

PS. The former was written as a tribute to you, Mr. LS ;-)

a nice comic on the flo recently

A New Life

Yo! It's been awhile since I last penned my thoughts. Many things happened but none made me intrigued enough to come here. Well, one poignant moment I went through since last exam period was the break that came after it. It was the first time I tried using the Express Rakyat coach to return to me home. Seems a simple enough task for university undergrads, no? But guess what, I failed. In the end, t'was my parents who came to fetch me when I was lost somewhere in Klang. Oh yeah, and I found out my previous house there, was sold. I guess I made my parents quite mad and they send me back to Kampar all the way after the Sabbath.

Then began the part 2 of my quest. I made my way out once again to take a 4am train just to join my friends in KL on their one day trip to Genting Highlands. Crazy huh? I went without my parents' consent. Opps.. I was still a minor then. But well, I came back in one piece! =E I wouldn't be writing this otherwise...

Nothing interesting there though. The rides I thought was scary turn out to be a party crasher. No Fun. I guess I had my expectations too high. Maybe I was thinking like, "If I get to Genting, I'll be like out of Malaysia! =D" Truly Asia. Well, I had a good walk though, walking round and round, up and down. Hmm, try guessing my favourite ride; I'm thinking you'll not get it right at first try. haha. It's that wierd a ride..

Back to Kampar right after the trip and face a little of the music. (gotta give credit to my brother; he turned out to be a matured guy, helping me tone down the music when I needed it most. LOL) Then was the missing era. People don't wanna end their breaks and return to reality. I had my though times too. Not a sharing material. haha. Then it went on to like "new sem, new style" kinda mood. People barely leaving their comfort zones coming back with bolder fashion statements to give a new feel to Uni life. Me? I didn't change one bit. =P

I had some time reminiscing about life and how it has treated me. How I was born to be a PE. Seeing how much it affected others made me cringe in their craven fear. When I came to it, I realized that I wasn't affected as bad as them. Now, I realized that I don't even care. Except for in my courting quests, which I am currently disengaged from, I have no worries about it at all. =)

Had some fun with Chai Ling birthday. But I don't think it has ended at all. The fun continues. As long as I'm in the zone, I'll not let the crimson phoenix die down.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, my solo venture to Cameron! I wouldn't call it solo anymore because I realized that I wouldn't be able to make it alone. People knew I went there although I kept my peace.. o.0 wierd. Well, there was the girl who (I didn't get her name) helped me out from New Town to Kampar. From then on, t'was smooth sailing le me in Godspeed. =) Bro send me back, didn't realize I dropped my wallet from the horror of not getting your calls answer no matter how long you wait. Fell asleep calling. too.... tired...

Well, I've been having my share of fun here and there. A little busy with my path I chose for uni but nothing pass bearable. Made friends, lost a few. All in all, what I can say is that I'm still living my life. I've told people that nothing will remain unchanged but everything is still the same. A paradox for the beholder.

Another Food for Thought

Well, it's the infamous examination period which we are going through right now. Just days away from freedom yet the torture is almost unbearable, given the amount of dels bore by our fragile units today. Yet within life, there are endless possibilities and what I know is that I am ever learning. From my surroundings, from my friends, from those people who revolve around my life and not to forget, my own selfish self. (haha)
Today was a normal day without papers for me because my papers are mostly crammed towards the end of this grueling period. I dowanna make this post like a simple diary entry or log of what I did, so, I'll not be spilling the details but the main point only. So, what I learnt today was that those having the highest potential to abuse and take you for granted are actually those around you. To be precise, those who are closest to you. Those people constantly grow closer and till a stage where there is no more that much care for each other like before. They start treating you like you're all fine and and they are the only ones in the relationship that needs help. Well, the truth is, most of us have our own problems. Though diverse, it's still there. You just don't see it so well anymore because we lose our sensitivity as time passes.
So, there's that, and on the other hand, I also didn't lose sight of myself and how I am reacting to this. What are my inner struggles and depth of despair? Why is it so hard to help out someone else? Is it because I am the only one who successfully alienated myself from negative influence although the other let his mouth rumble on without proper actions? Why must there always be a reward for helping someone? All these things troubled my heart much as the world filled with so much of the 21st century affluence and their hypocrisy run rampant. I can prove people wrong time and times again but they're just so stubborn and rebellious. Till it affected me and made me blunt and useless.
I see the lamentations of the Earth. I feel them. So much deceit. So much unruly wrath. So much beastly covetousness. Such utter slothfulness. The ugly pride rearing it head in public. The silent lusts from the dark rooms with locked doors. Those catholical envy from hearts abyss. The gluttony from ones own mouth.

Oh that one would meet salvation in these last of the last days!

Will, what do you really know about it?

I’ve watched this video just awhile ago, which was depicting the life story of Joe, working as a multi-tasking waiter at a Chinese restaurant near my place. I’ll paste the link to it below. This video shows how he went through a lot of hardship in life for his family’s wellbeing.
Joe has been serving foods and drinks we all wanted and needed. Now he is sharing a valuable lesson in life which can only be seen through the eyes of the less fortunate. He is doing amazing things (which many others create excuses to buffer their pride) despite what have befallen him. No doubt that even I have fallen victim of this dreadful issue of laziness.

To find out more about his story, please do support this short movie by viewing it as many times as you like. The internet and computer is a huge enmity to me. I neglect studies because of games or serials which I lust after. The computer was initially purchased with the purpose of helping me in Uni life as people claim it is needful to have one. Deep down, I know I’ll be doing games or time consuming stuff with my computer and that was why I went pushing the bogus cause of the computer helping in studies.

In some points, I am like him but in the rest of the majorities, I have given in to the pressure of the air. I am a balderdash of the century.

I have abused my computer and now it’s showing its backlash. Its battery is drained faster than any cell phone. That is not the only thing drained. It drained my life, my time for more important things. My chatting with a friend has shown me how I deluded the addictiveness of these temptations to something I needed. In fact, my friend was down to earth and had a clearer view than me. I’ll thank her much for the enlightenment.

Well, exams are coming soon. Neglecting studies would be a death note for me. Hope everyone has their studying mood returned soon. Godspeed!


The video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Rh0bodo2h0

What Moon Talking Means To Me...

"I know you are somewhere out there, somewhere far away" is the first line of Bruno's epic song. He sings of someone he once knew, longing for her while he is conscious. He thought probably the moon would be the same one as the one she is looking at. Truly a romantic scene to be in. =)

Sadly, I'm not in such a state. In fact, I just lost everything I've ever built in the past two semesters. All the social shit I've dreamt of fulfilling my uni life crumbled. I'm just not someone who can own a huge web like my idols. haha. That was a nice (stupid) dream I had, still it remained as a dream. Many try to read my blog to understand me. "My neighbors think I'm crazy, they don't understand". But then again, it's better you don't understand, yea? you already have enough problems on your own. Everyone has.

Yes, back to the topic. I'm alone. and that's why i talk to the moon. In ever hoping that a girl is out there, on the other side. All the others who were in my so-called 'bromance' life are out dating girls, making their respective pre-emptive strikes. And what am I doing? typing out this blog. You know what, I am afraid. afraid of the image of FA,

the crying potato. What are people's response to his cry? They laugh at him.. For me, I kinda feel pity for the guy but now, even more as the image of me in his shoes was ever more clear.

It's almost past one year now and I'm still at the crossroad of moving on to the next board and falling back to square one. Stuck between an epic fail social life and failure in academic achievements. They are somewhat related. Social life is dealing with your feelings. Gives you a feeling of satisfaction deep inside. Make you feel you're needed, you belong to someone. These feelings cannot be thrown away even as we strive for academic excellence.

Well, I got too much caught up trying to balance up my social life and now my studies are suffering. And my recent mistake due to my own self-consciousness destroyed every social thread I've ever spun. I should have be myself all the time instead of trying to be someone I am not

Maybe it's time..

I've been thinking about life lately and about 20 years of life (or death) just flashed pass my mind in a moment. It all made me wanting to post this here even though I'm really in a busy mess of sorts. Well, I guess I'll share one incident that just crossed my mind a few minutes ago:
When I was a little boy, my dad never gave me anything I wanted. I think this has it consequences on me; I covet for money $o$ . Anyways, he does give me stuff once in a while but never things I wanted. One day, he gave a really nice wristwatch. And what I did with is was I sold it to my brothers classmate for RM1. I was a child, naive in all it's senses it will ever have. Since then, I've never been able to keep a watch till old age. sigh.

I've losing things, a lot of them. Things I didn't think would matter until when I need it but I don't have it. My RM1.8K phone was picked-pocketed the day I bought it. Yeah, *true story*

I can't tell what this means to me or to you but please don't get me wrong; I am not emo-ing or blaming someone because it all happened. I ain't shooting no one down (at least not here, not now). Maybe I want you people to know that the world isn't a fairy-tail land with rainbows, pony or fairies. It's fierce out there. battles taking place in dimensions never known to man kind just decades ago.　Ｓｏ，　ｔａｋｅ　ｃａｒｅ　（ＴＣ）
Or maybe it carries another alternative interpretation(?). Well, I will leave that to your imaginations and ability to conjure up morale boosting lessons in your mind.

When I say the world is not a good place, I'm ain't excluding myself at all. Many people are out-lookers, searching for so -called 'negative externalities' in their surrounding environment, in individuals revolving around them but who ever does soul-searching nowadays? For me, I felt that maybe it was time for me to calm down in this fret-filled life and think about things that do matter.
I've ｂｅｅｎ　a real bad guy and turning worse recently. I am a habitual thieve and consequently a damn liar as well ( to cover up my thievery). I hated, I judged people, I did many things to hurt them. And recently, I even turned about to bite those who are around me. I know I was wrong but the apostasy in me is a raging flood. I just can't stop myself from doing bad. It's a part of me now.

Thanks to that, my current life portraits a sloppy lazy poor guy who is overly conscious about his image in the world while judging other without even knowing what they've been through (I'm sorry). And I thought to myself, I am not gonna be this guy anymore. I want a change. I wanna be normal again. So, I determined in myself that from this moment onward. I'll be different.

There are many factors that affect changes but that's not what I wanted to share. Hope you get my message and repond commensurately. =D Till next time.

live a Life of learning

On Friday 17th Feb 2012, I went to campus on my own as I have morning class. I was quite upset that day because I was unable to surprise a friend as many have rejected her offers recently. She made a trip to McDonalds in the wee hours of the morning, and I really wanted to go (although I didn't really told anyone). Well, I started finding something to blame on and I guess I picked the wrong thing. The whole thing backfired and I lost a lot of time. To tell the truth, till now I'm having trouble recovering from that.

Something happened that day. As I arrived at my classroom, it was still filled with the previous class and I had to wait for them to go out. When I was supposed to enter the class, I forgot that I had my keys in my hand and left it on the bench outside the classroom. After that class, I met some friends who were having class in the same room but they soon left for their class was starting. I went to my bike and realise the keys wasn't where it supposed to be. So, I think what should I do? I went back to search the place and ask the ICT office nearby but to none avail. I then saw the cleaning mak cik and ask her if she cleaned upstairs. She immediately mention of the keys that a student took it and told her to leave it with him as he will deal with it. She pointed to me the class the student was in. I went there and look inside. I was a computer lab with many diferrent students. First of all I was a business student and secondly I can't speak chinese fluently. I waited for the class to end and asked a few who were exiting but no one noticed my keys. Some didn't came out so I overcame my fears and went in to ask the students one by one in chinese. Finally I found my keys but he told me that it was the auntie who asked him to keep it.

I realize people are always in the blame game and always finding escapes with excuses but the one thing lost and now found is all that matters to me. I don't blame anyone of them but myself. I was struck and felt a sense of guilt mixed with gladness that I found my keys.

Later on, I went on my own for the day and bumped into several friends and went with them though I still can't sync with them. (they walk much too slowly) The other group arrive later on at the venue of next class and most of them weren't interested in interacting with me. I don't blame them, I just bear with it for now. Last class came soon and the group I was travelling with signed and left but I stayed infront. I left after the class was done and arrived home to see nobody's home.

I fell asleep in the noon and missed the dinner I agreed to go to. When I look outside, it's the same. This means Xavier came back and didn't do much. His room was dark. I eventually went to sleep as well.

Saturday 18th, having replacement class in the morning - got up early and went out of room but Xavier was not ready and I waited for him till 7.50+ although class was at 8am. We went to campus together and talked bit but as I said, yet to fully recover. Japanese class was a pain but I felt I was really wasting my time. I saw Suzane Erica but soon, she was 'covered' with guys. There's this girl in Japanese class I find kinda interesting and I wanna know her but I was wasting time and wasted my chance as I walked out the hall without saying hi. geeshhh... And to think next monday I can't attend Jap class...Sayang2...==

well the other classes (QT2) were really boring although Miss Tan tried her best to make it interesting. We ditched the first lecture and had sometime for bonding but not so effective as yet I guess. Second half was mostly dominated by the other eNd. So, rested awhile, woke up to realise got ditch for jogging session with the eNd, ate with eNd and problematic cycle back because of the eNd was near.

I felt Xavier was once again falling for the girl he once fell for but swang the other side when distance became a matter. I am going to confront him now...

...maybe it was more than one girl... @.@"

Like a Drifting Shadow..

I have this guy friend whose name is Xavier. I've known him for like ages since the days of secondaries. Although we were separated for a brief period of time due to some unforeseen circumstances, we finally got so-called reunited in the tertiary level. So as you can tell, being miles apart, we developed very different ways to live and to survive.

So, what he tried to do was to have exactly same classes as me especially during the trimesters two and three (ie. this trimester). It was something that troubled me on and off as I had my preferences before they even included me in the picture. Somehow I kinda knew that I was gonna write up this post someday.

Yeah, so, my opportunity cost as to go with his plans is that I lost a lot of my own social life. I was made to meet up his friends, made to like them and live with them. My own friends that I made a framework with were partially neglected if not fully. No one to blame but me right? I chose to follow Xavier and I should not have any regrets at all. Unfortunately, the logical facts (here) did not turn out as real-life history, as I lived pass them.

I thought that what Xavier wanted was to be together with me and so in my ignorance I even blurted out that we were 'brothers' in the cool sense of the word in a tutorial class! At that time, he slightly felt discomfort with my statement but I didn't suspect as much yet. Life went on with the stereotype of me and him, everywhere I existed; he and his group wherever he did. He told me things about the individuals in this group but now I doubt if he kept my things from them or at least to the closest one to him. I start to realize that what he was doing back then was actually an act of sympathy towards me. Not wanting me to be a 'Forever Alone', he tried to be my companion with a myriad reasons and excuses. On the other hand, not being able to keep his friends happy all at once, he wanted to amalgamate me into this group of friends he had, which when failed he eventually chose to side with the person closest to him.

"No matter how many years boys friendship may have been, a girl can always be stopper to keep the 'wine' from the 'mouth'"
-teetotaloid

Xavier now seems like just a shadow to me. When the light is there, he is 'tangible' but when the light is absent, I can't even understand what he is up to. Or maybe I can put it in a different way, the presence of another has very much overshadowed me in his world. Is this a normal phenomenon, where guys start getting girls and forgetting their 'homies'? We're at this age anyway. Am I to move on too? Or am I to hold on to Xavier as a rebound friend (no, I'm not gay)and keep getting neglected now and then? Am I holding him back?

I worry so much about these things when it doesn't even matter, when I don't even have time for these sh*t. I turned off the light and roll on the floor thinking what is a smart move for me while not putting my dear friend in a tight spot. Funny thing is, I'm probably the drifting shadow in his perspective.

We, the Dogs of Admiral...

There exists a viral social ranking in the eyes many people today. People stipulate expeditions with those of the lower echelon of the ranks to insure their personal essence is not neglected. Once a person of greater existence appears, often we don't give a second thought of demolishing the pioneers but try to make up by leashing the prior. Nobody will probably read this what more understand what I express here today because people nowadays never really gave a sincere thought for others.

Yesterday was one hell of a day. It is fit to say all my plans fell to a ruin. Rome was not built in a day but neither was it demolished in a day! As usual, I was utterly neglected by human beings of the higher echelon, so as they think about themselves. For me, of a truth I am lowest pariah ever known. I was left all the liberty to analyse the real event which were occurring in front of me.

So, there's was this girl, an acquaintance of my friend. She was an average okay girl except for her pungent repelling attitude. I was okay with her, I think... So, her sibling came to surprise her seeing it was her nativity. The weird thing is, everybody is like celebrating for the latter instead of the obvious subject of the day. Of course, the latter was one of fairer complexion, but I what find behind the beautiful covers of this book is just an aggravated monster of what was seen in the subject.

As, I went on, I start to ponder how does this even relate to myself. Yes, to be frank, I was struck not once by the mere presence. The change to the environment was amazingly bold and showed much legal faith [ which I dearly lack =( ]. Is this the finger of God? to show me my lacking and unbelief? Only two will ever know this; one being the prodigal himself and, two, the Father. This is something I need to put more time into, just between me and Him..

Unfortunately, when I started to run out of things to think about, I started thinking negative thoughts which might be very true objectively. I felt I do not belong to this group I currently follow. Maybe like my literature, I belong in solitude and oblivion for a longer time that I really wanted to be. Probably, I'm the only FE isolated from my own kind. I've been too much attached to this current group that I have to admit that I've neglected my FE buds, not to mention my people. I should be a vagabond by now. I don't know why I still even follow this group now. Even today, I felt really left out. Firstly, I've got no money for fancy eatery. Boing. Then, I waited more than 1 hour doing nothing but pure waiting. Too many sad thing happened which I do not want to record - don't wanna be sad.

Well, that last paragraph was really in a mess. It explains the condition of my head right now.

Turning the tides

Well, in my last post I clearly swore with the intention of never to blog again.. But guess what, I'm back..

After reading a couple of blogs, I guess my quest for life re-animated. These blogs records a person's feelings, which I believe leads to the depths of their core. I've seen different blogs. One that try to boast and pump one's self belief and self appreciation like a puff fish.

Others are meant to be tool to change the outside, bring to changes to people they truly care about. To make life a better place. To be happy. But I see both are very much pregnant with the sole purpose of fulfilling oneself. I can't say that I exclude myself from this hypothetical equation. I cannot lie, I am in fact one of the most evil as stated by someone I met recently.

I am the greedy dog who lost his bone because of his own reflection in the river..