Well, it's the infamous examination period which we are going through right now. Just days away from freedom yet the torture is almost unbearable, given the amount of dels bore by our fragile units today. Yet within life, there are endless possibilities and what I know is that I am ever learning. From my surroundings, from my friends, from those people who revolve around my life and not to forget, my own selfish self. (haha)
Today was a normal day without papers for me because my papers are mostly crammed towards the end of this grueling period. I dowanna make this post like a simple diary entry or log of what I did, so, I'll not be spilling the details but the main point only. So, what I learnt today was that those having the highest potential to abuse and take you for granted are actually those around you. To be precise, those who are closest to you. Those people constantly grow closer and till a stage where there is no more that much care for each other like before. They start treating you like you're all fine and and they are the only ones in the relationship that needs help. Well, the truth is, most of us have our own problems. Though diverse, it's still there. You just don't see it so well anymore because we lose our sensitivity as time passes.
So, there's that, and on the other hand, I also didn't lose sight of myself and how I am reacting to this. What are my inner struggles and depth of despair? Why is it so hard to help out someone else? Is it because I am the only one who successfully alienated myself from negative influence although the other let his mouth rumble on without proper actions? Why must there always be a reward for helping someone? All these things troubled my heart much as the world filled with so much of the 21st century affluence and their hypocrisy run rampant. I can prove people wrong time and times again but they're just so stubborn and rebellious. Till it affected me and made me blunt and useless.
I see the lamentations of the Earth. I feel them. So much deceit. So much unruly wrath. So much beastly covetousness. Such utter slothfulness. The ugly pride rearing it head in public. The silent lusts from the dark rooms with locked doors. Those catholical envy from hearts abyss. The gluttony from ones own mouth.
Oh that one would meet salvation in these last of the last days!
Friday, 4 May 2012
Thursday, 19 April 2012
Will, what do you really know about it?
I’ve watched this video just awhile ago, which was depicting the life story of Joe, working as a multi-tasking waiter at a Chinese restaurant near my place. I’ll paste the link to it below. This video shows how he went through a lot of hardship in life for his family’s wellbeing.
Joe has been serving foods and drinks we all wanted and needed. Now he is sharing a valuable lesson in life which can only be seen through the eyes of the less fortunate. He is doing amazing things (which many others create excuses to buffer their pride) despite what have befallen him. No doubt that even I have fallen victim of this dreadful issue of laziness.
To find out more about his story, please do support this short movie by viewing it as many times as you like. The internet and computer is a huge enmity to me. I neglect studies because of games or serials which I lust after. The computer was initially purchased with the purpose of helping me in Uni life as people claim it is needful to have one. Deep down, I know I’ll be doing games or time consuming stuff with my computer and that was why I went pushing the bogus cause of the computer helping in studies.
In some points, I am like him but in the rest of the majorities, I have given in to the pressure of the air. I am a balderdash of the century.
I have abused my computer and now it’s showing its backlash. Its battery is drained faster than any cell phone. That is not the only thing drained. It drained my life, my time for more important things. My chatting with a friend has shown me how I deluded the addictiveness of these temptations to something I needed. In fact, my friend was down to earth and had a clearer view than me. I’ll thank her much for the enlightenment.
Well, exams are coming soon. Neglecting studies would be a death note for me. Hope everyone has their studying mood returned soon. Godspeed!
The video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Rh0bodo2h0
Joe has been serving foods and drinks we all wanted and needed. Now he is sharing a valuable lesson in life which can only be seen through the eyes of the less fortunate. He is doing amazing things (which many others create excuses to buffer their pride) despite what have befallen him. No doubt that even I have fallen victim of this dreadful issue of laziness.
To find out more about his story, please do support this short movie by viewing it as many times as you like. The internet and computer is a huge enmity to me. I neglect studies because of games or serials which I lust after. The computer was initially purchased with the purpose of helping me in Uni life as people claim it is needful to have one. Deep down, I know I’ll be doing games or time consuming stuff with my computer and that was why I went pushing the bogus cause of the computer helping in studies.
In some points, I am like him but in the rest of the majorities, I have given in to the pressure of the air. I am a balderdash of the century.
I have abused my computer and now it’s showing its backlash. Its battery is drained faster than any cell phone. That is not the only thing drained. It drained my life, my time for more important things. My chatting with a friend has shown me how I deluded the addictiveness of these temptations to something I needed. In fact, my friend was down to earth and had a clearer view than me. I’ll thank her much for the enlightenment.
Well, exams are coming soon. Neglecting studies would be a death note for me. Hope everyone has their studying mood returned soon. Godspeed!
The video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Rh0bodo2h0
Thursday, 29 March 2012
What Moon Talking Means To Me...
"I know you are somewhere out there, somewhere far away" is the first line of Bruno's epic song. He sings of someone he once knew, longing for her while he is conscious. He thought probably the moon would be the same one as the one she is looking at. Truly a romantic scene to be in. =)
Sadly, I'm not in such a state. In fact, I just lost everything I've ever built in the past two semesters. All the social shit I've dreamt of fulfilling my uni life crumbled. I'm just not someone who can own a huge web like my idols. haha. That was a nice (stupid) dream I had, still it remained as a dream. Many try to read my blog to understand me. "My neighbors think I'm crazy, they don't understand". But then again, it's better you don't understand, yea? you already have enough problems on your own. Everyone has.
Yes, back to the topic. I'm alone. and that's why i talk to the moon. In ever hoping that a girl is out there, on the other side. All the others who were in my so-called 'bromance' life are out dating girls, making their respective pre-emptive strikes. And what am I doing? typing out this blog. You know what, I am afraid. afraid of the image of FA,
the crying potato. What are people's response to his cry? They laugh at him.. For me, I kinda feel pity for the guy but now, even more as the image of me in his shoes was ever more clear.
It's almost past one year now and I'm still at the crossroad of moving on to the next board and falling back to square one. Stuck between an epic fail social life and failure in academic achievements. They are somewhat related. Social life is dealing with your feelings. Gives you a feeling of satisfaction deep inside. Make you feel you're needed, you belong to someone. These feelings cannot be thrown away even as we strive for academic excellence.
Well, I got too much caught up trying to balance up my social life and now my studies are suffering. And my recent mistake due to my own self-consciousness destroyed every social thread I've ever spun. I should have be myself all the time instead of trying to be someone I am not
Sadly, I'm not in such a state. In fact, I just lost everything I've ever built in the past two semesters. All the social shit I've dreamt of fulfilling my uni life crumbled. I'm just not someone who can own a huge web like my idols. haha. That was a nice (stupid) dream I had, still it remained as a dream. Many try to read my blog to understand me. "My neighbors think I'm crazy, they don't understand". But then again, it's better you don't understand, yea? you already have enough problems on your own. Everyone has.
Yes, back to the topic. I'm alone. and that's why i talk to the moon. In ever hoping that a girl is out there, on the other side. All the others who were in my so-called 'bromance' life are out dating girls, making their respective pre-emptive strikes. And what am I doing? typing out this blog. You know what, I am afraid. afraid of the image of FA,
It's almost past one year now and I'm still at the crossroad of moving on to the next board and falling back to square one. Stuck between an epic fail social life and failure in academic achievements. They are somewhat related. Social life is dealing with your feelings. Gives you a feeling of satisfaction deep inside. Make you feel you're needed, you belong to someone. These feelings cannot be thrown away even as we strive for academic excellence.
Well, I got too much caught up trying to balance up my social life and now my studies are suffering. And my recent mistake due to my own self-consciousness destroyed every social thread I've ever spun. I should have be myself all the time instead of trying to be someone I am not
Thursday, 23 February 2012
Maybe it's time..
I've been thinking about life lately and about 20 years of life (or death) just flashed pass my mind in a moment. It all made me wanting to post this here even though I'm really in a busy mess of sorts. Well, I guess I'll share one incident that just crossed my mind a few minutes ago:
When I was a little boy, my dad never gave me anything I wanted. I think this has it consequences on me; I covet for money $o$ . Anyways, he does give me stuff once in a while but never things I wanted. One day, he gave a really nice wristwatch. And what I did with is was I sold it to my brothers classmate for RM1. I was a child, naive in all it's senses it will ever have. Since then, I've never been able to keep a watch till old age. sigh.
I've losing things, a lot of them. Things I didn't think would matter until when I need it but I don't have it. My RM1.8K phone was picked-pocketed the day I bought it. Yeah, *true story*
I can't tell what this means to me or to you but please don't get me wrong; I am not emo-ing or blaming someone because it all happened. I ain't shooting no one down (at least not here, not now). Maybe I want you people to know that the world isn't a fairy-tail land with rainbows, pony or fairies. It's fierce out there. battles taking place in dimensions never known to man kind just decades ago. Ｓｏ， ｔａｋｅ ｃａｒｅ （ＴＣ）
Or maybe it carries another alternative interpretation(?). Well, I will leave that to your imaginations and ability to conjure up morale boosting lessons in your mind.
When I say the world is not a good place, I'm ain't excluding myself at all. Many people are out-lookers, searching for so -called 'negative externalities' in their surrounding environment, in individuals revolving around them but who ever does soul-searching nowadays? For me, I felt that maybe it was time for me to calm down in this fret-filled life and think about things that do matter.
I've ｂｅｅｎ a real bad guy and turning worse recently. I am a habitual thieve and consequently a damn liar as well ( to cover up my thievery). I hated, I judged people, I did many things to hurt them. And recently, I even turned about to bite those who are around me. I know I was wrong but the apostasy in me is a raging flood. I just can't stop myself from doing bad. It's a part of me now.
Thanks to that, my current life portraits a sloppy lazy poor guy who is overly conscious about his image in the world while judging other without even knowing what they've been through (I'm sorry). And I thought to myself, I am not gonna be this guy anymore. I want a change. I wanna be normal again. So, I determined in myself that from this moment onward. I'll be different.
There are many factors that affect changes but that's not what I wanted to share. Hope you get my message and repond commensurately. =D Till next time.
When I was a little boy, my dad never gave me anything I wanted. I think this has it consequences on me; I covet for money $o$ . Anyways, he does give me stuff once in a while but never things I wanted. One day, he gave a really nice wristwatch. And what I did with is was I sold it to my brothers classmate for RM1. I was a child, naive in all it's senses it will ever have. Since then, I've never been able to keep a watch till old age. sigh.
I've losing things, a lot of them. Things I didn't think would matter until when I need it but I don't have it. My RM1.8K phone was picked-pocketed the day I bought it. Yeah, *true story*
I can't tell what this means to me or to you but please don't get me wrong; I am not emo-ing or blaming someone because it all happened. I ain't shooting no one down (at least not here, not now). Maybe I want you people to know that the world isn't a fairy-tail land with rainbows, pony or fairies. It's fierce out there. battles taking place in dimensions never known to man kind just decades ago. Ｓｏ， ｔａｋｅ ｃａｒｅ （ＴＣ）
Or maybe it carries another alternative interpretation(?). Well, I will leave that to your imaginations and ability to conjure up morale boosting lessons in your mind.
When I say the world is not a good place, I'm ain't excluding myself at all. Many people are out-lookers, searching for so -called 'negative externalities' in their surrounding environment, in individuals revolving around them but who ever does soul-searching nowadays? For me, I felt that maybe it was time for me to calm down in this fret-filled life and think about things that do matter.
I've ｂｅｅｎ a real bad guy and turning worse recently. I am a habitual thieve and consequently a damn liar as well ( to cover up my thievery). I hated, I judged people, I did many things to hurt them. And recently, I even turned about to bite those who are around me. I know I was wrong but the apostasy in me is a raging flood. I just can't stop myself from doing bad. It's a part of me now.
Thanks to that, my current life portraits a sloppy lazy poor guy who is overly conscious about his image in the world while judging other without even knowing what they've been through (I'm sorry). And I thought to myself, I am not gonna be this guy anymore. I want a change. I wanna be normal again. So, I determined in myself that from this moment onward. I'll be different.
There are many factors that affect changes but that's not what I wanted to share. Hope you get my message and repond commensurately. =D Till next time.
Saturday, 18 February 2012
live a Life of learning
On Friday 17th Feb 2012, I went to campus on my own as I have morning class. I was quite upset that day because I was unable to surprise a friend as many have rejected her offers recently. She made a trip to McDonalds in the wee hours of the morning, and I really wanted to go (although I didn't really told anyone). Well, I started finding something to blame on and I guess I picked the wrong thing. The whole thing backfired and I lost a lot of time. To tell the truth, till now I'm having trouble recovering from that.
Something happened that day. As I arrived at my classroom, it was still filled with the previous class and I had to wait for them to go out. When I was supposed to enter the class, I forgot that I had my keys in my hand and left it on the bench outside the classroom. After that class, I met some friends who were having class in the same room but they soon left for their class was starting. I went to my bike and realise the keys wasn't where it supposed to be. So, I think what should I do? I went back to search the place and ask the ICT office nearby but to none avail. I then saw the cleaning mak cik and ask her if she cleaned upstairs. She immediately mention of the keys that a student took it and told her to leave it with him as he will deal with it. She pointed to me the class the student was in. I went there and look inside. I was a computer lab with many diferrent students. First of all I was a business student and secondly I can't speak chinese fluently. I waited for the class to end and asked a few who were exiting but no one noticed my keys. Some didn't came out so I overcame my fears and went in to ask the students one by one in chinese. Finally I found my keys but he told me that it was the auntie who asked him to keep it.
I realize people are always in the blame game and always finding escapes with excuses but the one thing lost and now found is all that matters to me. I don't blame anyone of them but myself. I was struck and felt a sense of guilt mixed with gladness that I found my keys.
Later on, I went on my own for the day and bumped into several friends and went with them though I still can't sync with them. (they walk much too slowly) The other group arrive later on at the venue of next class and most of them weren't interested in interacting with me. I don't blame them, I just bear with it for now. Last class came soon and the group I was travelling with signed and left but I stayed infront. I left after the class was done and arrived home to see nobody's home.
I fell asleep in the noon and missed the dinner I agreed to go to. When I look outside, it's the same. This means Xavier came back and didn't do much. His room was dark. I eventually went to sleep as well.
Saturday 18th, having replacement class in the morning - got up early and went out of room but Xavier was not ready and I waited for him till 7.50+ although class was at 8am. We went to campus together and talked bit but as I said, yet to fully recover. Japanese class was a pain but I felt I was really wasting my time. I saw Suzane Erica but soon, she was 'covered' with guys. There's this girl in Japanese class I find kinda interesting and I wanna know her but I was wasting time and wasted my chance as I walked out the hall without saying hi. geeshhh... And to think next monday I can't attend Jap class...Sayang2...==
well the other classes (QT2) were really boring although Miss Tan tried her best to make it interesting. We ditched the first lecture and had sometime for bonding but not so effective as yet I guess. Second half was mostly dominated by the other eNd. So, rested awhile, woke up to realise got ditch for jogging session with the eNd, ate with eNd and problematic cycle back because of the eNd was near.
I felt Xavier was once again falling for the girl he once fell for but swang the other side when distance became a matter. I am going to confront him now...
Something happened that day. As I arrived at my classroom, it was still filled with the previous class and I had to wait for them to go out. When I was supposed to enter the class, I forgot that I had my keys in my hand and left it on the bench outside the classroom. After that class, I met some friends who were having class in the same room but they soon left for their class was starting. I went to my bike and realise the keys wasn't where it supposed to be. So, I think what should I do? I went back to search the place and ask the ICT office nearby but to none avail. I then saw the cleaning mak cik and ask her if she cleaned upstairs. She immediately mention of the keys that a student took it and told her to leave it with him as he will deal with it. She pointed to me the class the student was in. I went there and look inside. I was a computer lab with many diferrent students. First of all I was a business student and secondly I can't speak chinese fluently. I waited for the class to end and asked a few who were exiting but no one noticed my keys. Some didn't came out so I overcame my fears and went in to ask the students one by one in chinese. Finally I found my keys but he told me that it was the auntie who asked him to keep it.
I realize people are always in the blame game and always finding escapes with excuses but the one thing lost and now found is all that matters to me. I don't blame anyone of them but myself. I was struck and felt a sense of guilt mixed with gladness that I found my keys.
Later on, I went on my own for the day and bumped into several friends and went with them though I still can't sync with them. (they walk much too slowly) The other group arrive later on at the venue of next class and most of them weren't interested in interacting with me. I don't blame them, I just bear with it for now. Last class came soon and the group I was travelling with signed and left but I stayed infront. I left after the class was done and arrived home to see nobody's home.
I fell asleep in the noon and missed the dinner I agreed to go to. When I look outside, it's the same. This means Xavier came back and didn't do much. His room was dark. I eventually went to sleep as well.
Saturday 18th, having replacement class in the morning - got up early and went out of room but Xavier was not ready and I waited for him till 7.50+ although class was at 8am. We went to campus together and talked bit but as I said, yet to fully recover. Japanese class was a pain but I felt I was really wasting my time. I saw Suzane Erica but soon, she was 'covered' with guys. There's this girl in Japanese class I find kinda interesting and I wanna know her but I was wasting time and wasted my chance as I walked out the hall without saying hi. geeshhh... And to think next monday I can't attend Jap class...Sayang2...==
well the other classes (QT2) were really boring although Miss Tan tried her best to make it interesting. We ditched the first lecture and had sometime for bonding but not so effective as yet I guess. Second half was mostly dominated by the other eNd. So, rested awhile, woke up to realise got ditch for jogging session with the eNd, ate with eNd and problematic cycle back because of the eNd was near.
I felt Xavier was once again falling for the girl he once fell for but swang the other side when distance became a matter. I am going to confront him now...
Thursday, 16 February 2012
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Like a Drifting Shadow..
I have this guy friend whose name is Xavier. I've known him for like ages since the days of secondaries. Although we were separated for a brief period of time due to some unforeseen circumstances, we finally got so-called reunited in the tertiary level. So as you can tell, being miles apart, we developed very different ways to live and to survive.
So, what he tried to do was to have exactly same classes as me especially during the trimesters two and three (ie. this trimester). It was something that troubled me on and off as I had my preferences before they even included me in the picture. Somehow I kinda knew that I was gonna write up this post someday.
Yeah, so, my opportunity cost as to go with his plans is that I lost a lot of my own social life. I was made to meet up his friends, made to like them and live with them. My own friends that I made a framework with were partially neglected if not fully. No one to blame but me right? I chose to follow Xavier and I should not have any regrets at all. Unfortunately, the logical facts (here) did not turn out as real-life history, as I lived pass them.
I thought that what Xavier wanted was to be together with me and so in my ignorance I even blurted out that we were 'brothers' in the cool sense of the word in a tutorial class! At that time, he slightly felt discomfort with my statement but I didn't suspect as much yet. Life went on with the stereotype of me and him, everywhere I existed; he and his group wherever he did. He told me things about the individuals in this group but now I doubt if he kept my things from them or at least to the closest one to him. I start to realize that what he was doing back then was actually an act of sympathy towards me. Not wanting me to be a 'Forever Alone', he tried to be my companion with a myriad reasons and excuses. On the other hand, not being able to keep his friends happy all at once, he wanted to amalgamate me into this group of friends he had, which when failed he eventually chose to side with the person closest to him.
"No matter how many years boys friendship may have been, a girl can always be stopper to keep the 'wine' from the 'mouth'"
-teetotaloid
Xavier now seems like just a shadow to me. When the light is there, he is 'tangible' but when the light is absent, I can't even understand what he is up to. Or maybe I can put it in a different way, the presence of another has very much overshadowed me in his world. Is this a normal phenomenon, where guys start getting girls and forgetting their 'homies'? We're at this age anyway. Am I to move on too? Or am I to hold on to Xavier as a rebound friend (no, I'm not gay)and keep getting neglected now and then? Am I holding him back?
I worry so much about these things when it doesn't even matter, when I don't even have time for these sh*t. I turned off the light and roll on the floor thinking what is a smart move for me while not putting my dear friend in a tight spot. Funny thing is, I'm probably the drifting shadow in his perspective.
So, what he tried to do was to have exactly same classes as me especially during the trimesters two and three (ie. this trimester). It was something that troubled me on and off as I had my preferences before they even included me in the picture. Somehow I kinda knew that I was gonna write up this post someday.
Yeah, so, my opportunity cost as to go with his plans is that I lost a lot of my own social life. I was made to meet up his friends, made to like them and live with them. My own friends that I made a framework with were partially neglected if not fully. No one to blame but me right? I chose to follow Xavier and I should not have any regrets at all. Unfortunately, the logical facts (here) did not turn out as real-life history, as I lived pass them.
I thought that what Xavier wanted was to be together with me and so in my ignorance I even blurted out that we were 'brothers' in the cool sense of the word in a tutorial class! At that time, he slightly felt discomfort with my statement but I didn't suspect as much yet. Life went on with the stereotype of me and him, everywhere I existed; he and his group wherever he did. He told me things about the individuals in this group but now I doubt if he kept my things from them or at least to the closest one to him. I start to realize that what he was doing back then was actually an act of sympathy towards me. Not wanting me to be a 'Forever Alone', he tried to be my companion with a myriad reasons and excuses. On the other hand, not being able to keep his friends happy all at once, he wanted to amalgamate me into this group of friends he had, which when failed he eventually chose to side with the person closest to him.
"No matter how many years boys friendship may have been, a girl can always be stopper to keep the 'wine' from the 'mouth'"
-teetotaloid
Xavier now seems like just a shadow to me. When the light is there, he is 'tangible' but when the light is absent, I can't even understand what he is up to. Or maybe I can put it in a different way, the presence of another has very much overshadowed me in his world. Is this a normal phenomenon, where guys start getting girls and forgetting their 'homies'? We're at this age anyway. Am I to move on too? Or am I to hold on to Xavier as a rebound friend (no, I'm not gay)and keep getting neglected now and then? Am I holding him back?
I worry so much about these things when it doesn't even matter, when I don't even have time for these sh*t. I turned off the light and roll on the floor thinking what is a smart move for me while not putting my dear friend in a tight spot. Funny thing is, I'm probably the drifting shadow in his perspective.
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