Maybe it's time..

I've been thinking about life lately and about 20 years of life (or death) just flashed pass my mind in a moment. It all made me wanting to post this here even though I'm really in a busy mess of sorts. Well, I guess I'll share one incident that just crossed my mind a few minutes ago:
When I was a little boy, my dad never gave me anything I wanted. I think this has it consequences on me; I covet for money $o$ . Anyways, he does give me stuff once in a while but never things I wanted. One day, he gave a really nice wristwatch. And what I did with is was I sold it to my brothers classmate for RM1. I was a child, naive in all it's senses it will ever have. Since then, I've never been able to keep a watch till old age. sigh.

I've losing things, a lot of them. Things I didn't think would matter until when I need it but I don't have it. My RM1.8K phone was picked-pocketed the day I bought it. Yeah, *true story*

I can't tell what this means to me or to you but please don't get me wrong; I am not emo-ing or blaming someone because it all happened. I ain't shooting no one down (at least not here, not now). Maybe I want you people to know that the world isn't a fairy-tail land with rainbows, pony or fairies. It's fierce out there. battles taking place in dimensions never known to man kind just decades ago.　Ｓｏ，　ｔａｋｅ　ｃａｒｅ　（ＴＣ）
Or maybe it carries another alternative interpretation(?). Well, I will leave that to your imaginations and ability to conjure up morale boosting lessons in your mind.

When I say the world is not a good place, I'm ain't excluding myself at all. Many people are out-lookers, searching for so -called 'negative externalities' in their surrounding environment, in individuals revolving around them but who ever does soul-searching nowadays? For me, I felt that maybe it was time for me to calm down in this fret-filled life and think about things that do matter.
I've ｂｅｅｎ　a real bad guy and turning worse recently. I am a habitual thieve and consequently a damn liar as well ( to cover up my thievery). I hated, I judged people, I did many things to hurt them. And recently, I even turned about to bite those who are around me. I know I was wrong but the apostasy in me is a raging flood. I just can't stop myself from doing bad. It's a part of me now.

Thanks to that, my current life portraits a sloppy lazy poor guy who is overly conscious about his image in the world while judging other without even knowing what they've been through (I'm sorry). And I thought to myself, I am not gonna be this guy anymore. I want a change. I wanna be normal again. So, I determined in myself that from this moment onward. I'll be different.

There are many factors that affect changes but that's not what I wanted to share. Hope you get my message and repond commensurately. =D Till next time.

live a Life of learning

On Friday 17th Feb 2012, I went to campus on my own as I have morning class. I was quite upset that day because I was unable to surprise a friend as many have rejected her offers recently. She made a trip to McDonalds in the wee hours of the morning, and I really wanted to go (although I didn't really told anyone). Well, I started finding something to blame on and I guess I picked the wrong thing. The whole thing backfired and I lost a lot of time. To tell the truth, till now I'm having trouble recovering from that.

Something happened that day. As I arrived at my classroom, it was still filled with the previous class and I had to wait for them to go out. When I was supposed to enter the class, I forgot that I had my keys in my hand and left it on the bench outside the classroom. After that class, I met some friends who were having class in the same room but they soon left for their class was starting. I went to my bike and realise the keys wasn't where it supposed to be. So, I think what should I do? I went back to search the place and ask the ICT office nearby but to none avail. I then saw the cleaning mak cik and ask her if she cleaned upstairs. She immediately mention of the keys that a student took it and told her to leave it with him as he will deal with it. She pointed to me the class the student was in. I went there and look inside. I was a computer lab with many diferrent students. First of all I was a business student and secondly I can't speak chinese fluently. I waited for the class to end and asked a few who were exiting but no one noticed my keys. Some didn't came out so I overcame my fears and went in to ask the students one by one in chinese. Finally I found my keys but he told me that it was the auntie who asked him to keep it.

I realize people are always in the blame game and always finding escapes with excuses but the one thing lost and now found is all that matters to me. I don't blame anyone of them but myself. I was struck and felt a sense of guilt mixed with gladness that I found my keys.

Later on, I went on my own for the day and bumped into several friends and went with them though I still can't sync with them. (they walk much too slowly) The other group arrive later on at the venue of next class and most of them weren't interested in interacting with me. I don't blame them, I just bear with it for now. Last class came soon and the group I was travelling with signed and left but I stayed infront. I left after the class was done and arrived home to see nobody's home.

I fell asleep in the noon and missed the dinner I agreed to go to. When I look outside, it's the same. This means Xavier came back and didn't do much. His room was dark. I eventually went to sleep as well.

Saturday 18th, having replacement class in the morning - got up early and went out of room but Xavier was not ready and I waited for him till 7.50+ although class was at 8am. We went to campus together and talked bit but as I said, yet to fully recover. Japanese class was a pain but I felt I was really wasting my time. I saw Suzane Erica but soon, she was 'covered' with guys. There's this girl in Japanese class I find kinda interesting and I wanna know her but I was wasting time and wasted my chance as I walked out the hall without saying hi. geeshhh... And to think next monday I can't attend Jap class...Sayang2...==

well the other classes (QT2) were really boring although Miss Tan tried her best to make it interesting. We ditched the first lecture and had sometime for bonding but not so effective as yet I guess. Second half was mostly dominated by the other eNd. So, rested awhile, woke up to realise got ditch for jogging session with the eNd, ate with eNd and problematic cycle back because of the eNd was near.

I felt Xavier was once again falling for the girl he once fell for but swang the other side when distance became a matter. I am going to confront him now...

...maybe it was more than one girl... @.@"

Like a Drifting Shadow..

I have this guy friend whose name is Xavier. I've known him for like ages since the days of secondaries. Although we were separated for a brief period of time due to some unforeseen circumstances, we finally got so-called reunited in the tertiary level. So as you can tell, being miles apart, we developed very different ways to live and to survive.

So, what he tried to do was to have exactly same classes as me especially during the trimesters two and three (ie. this trimester). It was something that troubled me on and off as I had my preferences before they even included me in the picture. Somehow I kinda knew that I was gonna write up this post someday.

Yeah, so, my opportunity cost as to go with his plans is that I lost a lot of my own social life. I was made to meet up his friends, made to like them and live with them. My own friends that I made a framework with were partially neglected if not fully. No one to blame but me right? I chose to follow Xavier and I should not have any regrets at all. Unfortunately, the logical facts (here) did not turn out as real-life history, as I lived pass them.

I thought that what Xavier wanted was to be together with me and so in my ignorance I even blurted out that we were 'brothers' in the cool sense of the word in a tutorial class! At that time, he slightly felt discomfort with my statement but I didn't suspect as much yet. Life went on with the stereotype of me and him, everywhere I existed; he and his group wherever he did. He told me things about the individuals in this group but now I doubt if he kept my things from them or at least to the closest one to him. I start to realize that what he was doing back then was actually an act of sympathy towards me. Not wanting me to be a 'Forever Alone', he tried to be my companion with a myriad reasons and excuses. On the other hand, not being able to keep his friends happy all at once, he wanted to amalgamate me into this group of friends he had, which when failed he eventually chose to side with the person closest to him.

"No matter how many years boys friendship may have been, a girl can always be stopper to keep the 'wine' from the 'mouth'"
-teetotaloid

Xavier now seems like just a shadow to me. When the light is there, he is 'tangible' but when the light is absent, I can't even understand what he is up to. Or maybe I can put it in a different way, the presence of another has very much overshadowed me in his world. Is this a normal phenomenon, where guys start getting girls and forgetting their 'homies'? We're at this age anyway. Am I to move on too? Or am I to hold on to Xavier as a rebound friend (no, I'm not gay)and keep getting neglected now and then? Am I holding him back?

I worry so much about these things when it doesn't even matter, when I don't even have time for these sh*t. I turned off the light and roll on the floor thinking what is a smart move for me while not putting my dear friend in a tight spot. Funny thing is, I'm probably the drifting shadow in his perspective.

We, the Dogs of Admiral...

There exists a viral social ranking in the eyes many people today. People stipulate expeditions with those of the lower echelon of the ranks to insure their personal essence is not neglected. Once a person of greater existence appears, often we don't give a second thought of demolishing the pioneers but try to make up by leashing the prior. Nobody will probably read this what more understand what I express here today because people nowadays never really gave a sincere thought for others.

Yesterday was one hell of a day. It is fit to say all my plans fell to a ruin. Rome was not built in a day but neither was it demolished in a day! As usual, I was utterly neglected by human beings of the higher echelon, so as they think about themselves. For me, of a truth I am lowest pariah ever known. I was left all the liberty to analyse the real event which were occurring in front of me.

So, there's was this girl, an acquaintance of my friend. She was an average okay girl except for her pungent repelling attitude. I was okay with her, I think... So, her sibling came to surprise her seeing it was her nativity. The weird thing is, everybody is like celebrating for the latter instead of the obvious subject of the day. Of course, the latter was one of fairer complexion, but I what find behind the beautiful covers of this book is just an aggravated monster of what was seen in the subject.

As, I went on, I start to ponder how does this even relate to myself. Yes, to be frank, I was struck not once by the mere presence. The change to the environment was amazingly bold and showed much legal faith [ which I dearly lack =( ]. Is this the finger of God? to show me my lacking and unbelief? Only two will ever know this; one being the prodigal himself and, two, the Father. This is something I need to put more time into, just between me and Him..

Unfortunately, when I started to run out of things to think about, I started thinking negative thoughts which might be very true objectively. I felt I do not belong to this group I currently follow. Maybe like my literature, I belong in solitude and oblivion for a longer time that I really wanted to be. Probably, I'm the only FE isolated from my own kind. I've been too much attached to this current group that I have to admit that I've neglected my FE buds, not to mention my people. I should be a vagabond by now. I don't know why I still even follow this group now. Even today, I felt really left out. Firstly, I've got no money for fancy eatery. Boing. Then, I waited more than 1 hour doing nothing but pure waiting. Too many sad thing happened which I do not want to record - don't wanna be sad.

Well, that last paragraph was really in a mess. It explains the condition of my head right now.

Turning the tides

Well, in my last post I clearly swore with the intention of never to blog again.. But guess what, I'm back..

After reading a couple of blogs, I guess my quest for life re-animated. These blogs records a person's feelings, which I believe leads to the depths of their core. I've seen different blogs. One that try to boast and pump one's self belief and self appreciation like a puff fish.

Others are meant to be tool to change the outside, bring to changes to people they truly care about. To make life a better place. To be happy. But I see both are very much pregnant with the sole purpose of fulfilling oneself. I can't say that I exclude myself from this hypothetical equation. I cannot lie, I am in fact one of the most evil as stated by someone I met recently.

I am the greedy dog who lost his bone because of his own reflection in the river..

hell, i don't feel like writting anymore..