Why do I even care?

The evening before, I went out with a friend to a casual match. It was all messed up. I invited him to go, made him interested and all. Then, I realised that I can't go but somehow, I went. Probably because I treat the guy as my best friend (at this point in my life but oh, how it hurts to know that it'll probably never be mutual).So yeah, we went saw some nice plays but often he was distracted by girls in different places. Boys... So I tried my best to be a bud, encouraging him to go for it and stuff (though in a jeery way) but he just use this one sentence to shut me off, "you know me". We stayed awhile because I was hoping something would happen but eventually, freaks as we are, we try to leave the place. As we were about to leave, we gave this girl which he was particularly interested in one last look. And he saw an acquaintance of mine finish his game and was about to leave the place so he told me and we stay just to have an exchange of greetings and left the place soon enough. We cycled through the rain as we came and I told him I was disappointed that we went back empty handed. He then said it again, "you know me". I replied that I was hoping for him to change and he just said that it ain't easy. Man, that was an open goal! Tell me one thing in this world that's easy... but I didn't say that out because of the respect I had for him. I treat him better than my brother (even my mom said so).
He kept on hitting around the bush, never ever came straight to the point, which became quite a nuisance. I remembered he told me to tell him truths, and so I did. He was offended much but I hit the point home hard putting my hopes in him. he then adorned the pendulum mentality. ==... "I can change..." he said when I said he spoke too much. Well, that escalated quickly.
So going through my thoughts, I realized I've been with this personality before ( one of my uncle ) and they're so much alike except the fact that one looks like Lee Chong Wei. But I was never annoyed to the point of acting to change him despite living with him some two years or more. And this guy, I've been with him slightly less than two years and I'm all flustered up as though (I'm straight, I love girls, no homo) I 'love' him..? Why is this so? He ain't that good looking. He ain't rich. He ain't much dependable but quite a lot the other way around.. So why am I reacting to him in this way? And I must stress again::: I'M NOT GAY!!

End of the World?

Haha.. Been a long time since I posted anything. Guess I'm just too free nowadays exams being over and all alone in my habitation. Well, recently there was an overrated hype on the net saying that the world was supposed to end on 21st December 2012... which was actually 2 days ago.. some argued that there was time disparity due to different time zones but meh...

I knew for one that the world would not end especially when it was speculated like that. The time when the world is to end is when we least expect it to.. I kinda took my share of comfort from these people making those untimely speculations. But somehow, as time pass and it got nearer and nearer to 21st, it started to be annoying. And the aftermath is just as annoying.. People are saying "I didn't die" or "The world didn't end".. There are actually some who said it was a Mayan's troll or even more higher beings. It was actually their own ignorance. -.-

Well days passed and now I'm all alone (as I mentioned above) and I'm starting to feel that if the world were to end, I would be feeling really miserable right now. I don't have anyone. Loneliness is a beast! All these are my sufferings which I can attribute to two of the greatest curses in my life; my pectus excavatum, and my lying spirit. I just can't stop myself from the latter, it comes so naturally for self-protection. Defense mechanisms are very reactive especially when I want to hide my ugliness. I just can't face myself in the open.

People may say that everyone lies.. or there are white lies.. But I desire better things of myself. I wanted to tell the truth and only truth was to proceed out of my lips. I did try to will myself to this goal but to no avail. =(
I can explain my own undoing but I can't think of a way to actually solve my problems. The will of man is under bondage: what good a man want to do, that he cannot; but what evil deeds he tries to avert will eventually be done, against his will. This is a truth since our forefathers fell.

The creeping loneliness and ultikuma boredom just drove me to think of the latter of these 2 curses of my life.

KISS

If it weren't for a dear friend, I wouldn't have took the trouble to go further down.. It was more easier if I had take the route home. Upon hind sight, the latter would have been better even. The outcome happen to be that I didn't even accomplish the main mission I came for and lost more than I asked for.. I start to wonder what is happening.. Maybe I should not keep an alternative motive whenever I am taking up the cross. It just wouldn't work out that way (especially when I'm on the strait gate narrow way...)

Things I miss the most right now...
plaster notebook pen watch snickers cooler mouse usb clothes tie tiletries opticals notes shoes books shavers keys charger nds bag

Untitled.

A whole load of new things just bombarded my life. An retracting person, a volatile scatter brain, a genius, friends with issues and ultimately: assignments, of which I can't see the end even at the horizon! At least it gave something to write about (if not to think).
Let's take a number and each will have a piece. A genius; this is the time of my life, being able to meet one in person. Many labeled themselves genius (including me at points where I was most stupido) or are labeled by others (in personal perceptions, mostly in relation to one's self) and don't produce the minimum requirements. But for the first time in my life, I saw a real-life genius. Of course, I'd be jealous here and there but respect and admiration filled my heart. (no homo.) At the same time, I was made to see the wide gap in between us; how I'd never think of ever reaching the same plateau. Oh how it divides, the wisdom which proliferates. How many of you would reject a dinner with the genius? Imaginations are running wild, from fantasies to obliqueness.
Next, the scat. A person who is consistently sensitive, especially emotionally - rampaging at times, do you know that lion eats grass sometime ago? Persistantly hypoc but also persistantly tries. I must sound like I'm describing 'Inflation'. LoL. Just too volatile to decipher. There are times I would give up without a fight but then, WWJD? Yeah right! as if. but recently I just let it go. It's just exorbitant.
Retractor. He sounds like a marvel supervillian. Or an Expendable. Well, the thing is, he is literal monyet buruk siku. He once tried hard to be someone who cares. Someone who is actually a part of the team. But when sun rose, he withered away. He just not him anymore. Or to be more precise, he returned to the real him. He was like that. and he liked it before. he probably likes it now. Hair porblem? Or attitude problem? Or both? Always living on others positive externalities (I am an economics student anyways). Try to put the resources you have to good use for once. LoL. You'll never guess who I am talking about.
Generally all of us has issues. I can't even deal with mine, what right do I have to speak about other's. That what you may think. But if that's the way the world was, it never would have progressed. Not one bit. Well, all of us has weaknesses (even the genius, I would know ;]) but if we were to remain silent, that in itself is our problem. I am not sure what I speak of - try to contribute some of your brain juices by commenting here. Definitely would appreciate it! =D

Love? Another Chapter...

What do you do when your first love rejects you?

You move on? You get back at him/her?

Well, I guess a true answer would be you still love her.
If it ever was purely true love, you'll never get over it. It ain't something you can just erase from the rest of your life. She/He will forever remain a fact in your story, a colour in your bigger picture of Life.

Me? I am yet to find mine.

I've seen some who charge at their romantic desires and dreams like the bull against the red cloth matadors wave. Eventually, people get hurt. Relations crack. Crumpled papers which cannot be restored. A very sad sight to behold indeed.

Then again, there are those who play a very tactical game. They may succeed here and there but once they meet their first love, all the strategies come to naught. They themselves melt in the love's presence. Nonetheless, they hurt on an equal scale as the chargers. There still male homosapiens.




But why did I start this post with a question? Why did I answer it myself? This is because recently (a few minutes ago) I realized something is constantly changing so that things will stay the same. Truly a paradox in motion. I began to ask myself why. If I asked the host, I know I'll never get a true answer. Neither will I if I kept it to myself. Finally, I came up with this theory instead. Theories might not always be true as it requires many experimentation but still deserve a place in my gallery.

Watch how the lack of love wrecks up ones life when the urge of unconditional love overflowing on the inside. Watch people's biased manipulation of the portions of attention they give. Watch the love of one who lost everything when he/she found the one most important.

Well, I can never give the full truth to this multifaceted topic. Thus, the title. Just another chapter to add to my book of mortal affections and emotions. =) .pEace.

PS. The former was written as a tribute to you, Mr. LS ;-)

a nice comic on the flo recently

A New Life

Yo! It's been awhile since I last penned my thoughts. Many things happened but none made me intrigued enough to come here. Well, one poignant moment I went through since last exam period was the break that came after it. It was the first time I tried using the Express Rakyat coach to return to me home. Seems a simple enough task for university undergrads, no? But guess what, I failed. In the end, t'was my parents who came to fetch me when I was lost somewhere in Klang. Oh yeah, and I found out my previous house there, was sold. I guess I made my parents quite mad and they send me back to Kampar all the way after the Sabbath.

Then began the part 2 of my quest. I made my way out once again to take a 4am train just to join my friends in KL on their one day trip to Genting Highlands. Crazy huh? I went without my parents' consent. Opps.. I was still a minor then. But well, I came back in one piece! =E I wouldn't be writing this otherwise...

Nothing interesting there though. The rides I thought was scary turn out to be a party crasher. No Fun. I guess I had my expectations too high. Maybe I was thinking like, "If I get to Genting, I'll be like out of Malaysia! =D" Truly Asia. Well, I had a good walk though, walking round and round, up and down. Hmm, try guessing my favourite ride; I'm thinking you'll not get it right at first try. haha. It's that wierd a ride..

Back to Kampar right after the trip and face a little of the music. (gotta give credit to my brother; he turned out to be a matured guy, helping me tone down the music when I needed it most. LOL) Then was the missing era. People don't wanna end their breaks and return to reality. I had my though times too. Not a sharing material. haha. Then it went on to like "new sem, new style" kinda mood. People barely leaving their comfort zones coming back with bolder fashion statements to give a new feel to Uni life. Me? I didn't change one bit. =P

I had some time reminiscing about life and how it has treated me. How I was born to be a PE. Seeing how much it affected others made me cringe in their craven fear. When I came to it, I realized that I wasn't affected as bad as them. Now, I realized that I don't even care. Except for in my courting quests, which I am currently disengaged from, I have no worries about it at all. =)

Had some fun with Chai Ling birthday. But I don't think it has ended at all. The fun continues. As long as I'm in the zone, I'll not let the crimson phoenix die down.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, my solo venture to Cameron! I wouldn't call it solo anymore because I realized that I wouldn't be able to make it alone. People knew I went there although I kept my peace.. o.0 wierd. Well, there was the girl who (I didn't get her name) helped me out from New Town to Kampar. From then on, t'was smooth sailing le me in Godspeed. =) Bro send me back, didn't realize I dropped my wallet from the horror of not getting your calls answer no matter how long you wait. Fell asleep calling. too.... tired...

Well, I've been having my share of fun here and there. A little busy with my path I chose for uni but nothing pass bearable. Made friends, lost a few. All in all, what I can say is that I'm still living my life. I've told people that nothing will remain unchanged but everything is still the same. A paradox for the beholder.

Another Food for Thought

Well, it's the infamous examination period which we are going through right now. Just days away from freedom yet the torture is almost unbearable, given the amount of dels bore by our fragile units today. Yet within life, there are endless possibilities and what I know is that I am ever learning. From my surroundings, from my friends, from those people who revolve around my life and not to forget, my own selfish self. (haha)
Today was a normal day without papers for me because my papers are mostly crammed towards the end of this grueling period. I dowanna make this post like a simple diary entry or log of what I did, so, I'll not be spilling the details but the main point only. So, what I learnt today was that those having the highest potential to abuse and take you for granted are actually those around you. To be precise, those who are closest to you. Those people constantly grow closer and till a stage where there is no more that much care for each other like before. They start treating you like you're all fine and and they are the only ones in the relationship that needs help. Well, the truth is, most of us have our own problems. Though diverse, it's still there. You just don't see it so well anymore because we lose our sensitivity as time passes.
So, there's that, and on the other hand, I also didn't lose sight of myself and how I am reacting to this. What are my inner struggles and depth of despair? Why is it so hard to help out someone else? Is it because I am the only one who successfully alienated myself from negative influence although the other let his mouth rumble on without proper actions? Why must there always be a reward for helping someone? All these things troubled my heart much as the world filled with so much of the 21st century affluence and their hypocrisy run rampant. I can prove people wrong time and times again but they're just so stubborn and rebellious. Till it affected me and made me blunt and useless.
I see the lamentations of the Earth. I feel them. So much deceit. So much unruly wrath. So much beastly covetousness. Such utter slothfulness. The ugly pride rearing it head in public. The silent lusts from the dark rooms with locked doors. Those catholical envy from hearts abyss. The gluttony from ones own mouth.

Oh that one would meet salvation in these last of the last days!